Racing and racing as fast as you can

Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again

Well the thyroid is so jacked right now.  Resting heart rate of 120.  I feel like I might soon find myself in the hospital.  They increased my dosage by six times its previous amount.  I wonder what they’re going to do.  Probably kill the thyroid. 

He said to just keep an eye on the lymph node.  He really thinks it’s benign.  If it changes then he’d be concern.

He says I have chronically inflamed tonsils.  Only cure to that is to remove them but he didn’t advise that.

Bleh.  Trying to stay positive is difficult with this flurry of health problems. 

I also got rejected from donating blood today.  That sucked.

Out of breath

Freak. I may have exerted myself too much with a 10 mile bike ride with my thyroid issues.  I’m still out of breath and we stopped biking hours ago.  My heart is beating too fast.  102 BPM right now.  I need to just sit here.  And try to catch my breath.  Freaking a.  Ugh.

Eye

Crap the left part of my left eyeball is swollen.  This happened once before to both eyes due to an allergic reaction.  Not sure what happened now.  Feels weird I can feel it sticking out.  Serious.  Last time the doc gave me some eye drops.  Hope it goes away by morning.

It’s All Internal

It’s kind of strange that pain, emotions, and illness are all things that only the person experiencing it can truly understand, feel, and suffer through.  While others may be sympathetic, it’s still rough to fight the battle.  While you may try to explain to other people what is happening, it’s still your battle.

I lost about 6lbs suddenly.  When I tell people this, I’m telling them out of a concern for myself that this is not normal.  The 6lbs lost are not 6lbs of fat loss, it’s 6lbs of lean muscles lost.  Hyperthyroidism attacks your muscles, not your fat.  Almost at an instance, people often tell me how lucky I am and how they wish they could lose weight while doing nothing or how difficult it is for them to lose weight.  Newsflash – it freaking sucks.  Replace freaking with the f-bomb.

Do you know what it feels like to suddenly feel all weak where lifting your arms up and lifting small items up is difficult and tiring?  It not only feels terrible physically, it feels terrible emotionally.  It makes you feel a little helpless that seemingly overnight or over a few days, you can become so weak.

I tried to lift up the 5 gallon water bottle last night to flip it onto the water cooler.  I’ve never really had trouble lifting that before.  It felt so heavy, I actually wasn’t sure if I could successfully flip it.  I felt like I could barely hold it which is vastly different from being able to lug one of those around at least to and from the car.  I still went for the flip because I didn’t want to feel helpless.  It was heavy and difficult but I only made a slight mess.  Now I need to work my muscles back up once I start feeling better.

I feel a little better.  Much better than last week at least but still not 100%.  It’ll take awhile for the meds to kick in.  Last time it got so bad I couldn’t even squeeze my shampoo bottle.  Serious.  Imagine how that feels.  Freaking A.

I hate dealing with all these heath issues.  Still need to find out what’s going on with the node that is still there.  -_-  Jacked thyroid.  Jacked Knee.  Irritated Eyes (might have to do with the thyroid).  Ugh.

Trauma

Being at that place seems to have traumatized me or something because seeing those people still strikes fear in me.  How is it that I am still afraid of them… I have no desire to see them and its not like they can do anything yet their very presence made my heart seriously start racing and fear came upon me.  I did not want to be seen and wanted to leave immediately for fear of being seen.  Gah.  These people. 

Feverish

I haven’t had a fever in who knows how long.  I feel like crap.  I wonder what’s wrong with me.  Been having a headache since at least Saturday.  Kept having a headache when I woke up in the morning.  Yesterday I felt very warm during the day.  Thought I was imagining things.  Then last night I kept feeling my head very warm but my hands and feet and body were very cold.  Finally took my temp last night.  Was about 101.  Then I tried to sleep at like 9 something but couldn’t fall asleep.  Felt pretty miserable and hot.  Stayed in bed til about 230.  ugh.  Still felt very hot and head was hurting.  IBU makes my head feel better.  been wondering if its my thyroid since I don’t have cold symptoms.  Weighed myself to check. Lost six pounds. That’s concerning. Unexpected weight loss is a symptom.  And fatigue and weakness is also which I’ve been feeling.  going to the bay tomorrow.  Ugh this is bad timing.  Hope I feel better soon.  Won’t get another lab test til like three weeks.