The thought is so intriguing yet so terrifying at the same time.

It felt like my mind was on speed last night as I laid in bed. I was lost in thought and I was lost in visuals. It took the cold breeze from the open window to hit me before I realized that I was awake, lying awake with my eyes wide open in the dark. I could not sleep and I could not shut my eyes. In the previous moment, it felt like my eyes were closed, like I was thinking, and dreaming. I was having flashbacks to past events, I was writing stories in my head, I was thinking about a very random assortment of things ranging from people, places, situations, and more. It was quite strange. I haven’t experienced something like that in a long while. I couldn’t think of why I couldn’t fall asleep. I couldn’t pinpoint if something was bothering me or if I slept too much or any of the sort. I turned the light on and sat around for a little bit, did this about 3 or 4 times. Approximately an hour more of lying in the dark wide awake, I was able to fall asleep. I hope this does not happen again tonight.

Imagine something that you do all the time. It may not be your favorite thing and its not the worse although you dislike it more than you like it. And you have to do it because you somehow inherited it. But suddenly its being stripped away from you. Which is supposed to be a good thing, but it leaves you feeling a little useless. It doesn’t make you feel as whole because that part of you was so ingrained and now its going away. But it’s going to be good. It’s what I want. But right now, it makes me feel less.

—
listening to: Augustana/Boston

as the narrator revealed thoughts on rejection…there was no doubt in my mind that every single person in that room had a flashback

long days…

I let a student at a beauty college cut my hair. It was $4. She also couldn’t speak English very well. I have decided that I don’t like the end result. I wanted layers. But the layers she cut were too far apart. It just looks like my hair is two different lengths. It looks especially dumb when my hair is down. Therefore, I will keep it up. I need a new haircut.

Inadequacy. A bad feeling.

I’ve been trying some new things lately and its been pretty good. I went hiking today. I haven’t really done much hiking before so its definitely something new. I went last week up a not so large “mountain”. It was rocky and with running shoes, kind of difficult. The hike we went on today was better. Not as many rocks. We didn’t make it to the top because we wanted to make sure it was still daylight on the way down but we were pretty close. Most of it was okay. There was one part where the trail was super narrow and the plants were all over the place. It was like crawling through plants. They kept saying to watch out for snakes since it would be a good time for them to be laying out in the sun. That freaked me out a little. I definitely did not want to encounter a snake. There was a nice sunset but we didn’t get to see too much of it because the plants kept being too high. This hiking thing is a pretty good workout. Its different than what I’m used to, but its kind of nice. I’ll have to remember to bring my camera next time.

I feel bad. I let out a side of me that is usually contained – a side that is not particularly the best to display in the situation. And although I sensed it rising up within me, I could not contain it completely and it slipped through. It became uncomfortably warm. I had to remove my jacket. Beads of sweat were literally rolling down my forehead. My hands began to shake. My voice trembled. I was in a situation that was unfamiliar – the type of situation that I try to avoid. It was difficult, more than anticipated. It was apparent to the people who knew me. And I hope that the people who don’t know me, don’t place my actions as a part of my character.

It’s definitely been a long week and tomorrow will be a long day.