a little hopeless.

It’s like I’m the driver and I’m driving by following your directions but you don’t know where the heck you’re going.  You’re saying to turn here and then turn there and turn here and turn there and we’re driving in circles and circles and not going anywhere.  When I tell you what I think – you disregard it.  When I tell you it’s wrong – you don’t believe me.  So I stop telling you and we drive and drive forever in circles.  Then you get mad sometimes because you realize we haven’t gotten anywhere.  Or you get mad because we’ve gone too far in one direction and you think that we should have gone the other way.

I’m getting tired of driving.

I’m trying to be strong but I’m losing heart.  You’d think that there is a tiny bit of hope each day as each day is new and different but I’m beginning to even lose that.  It never ceases to amaze me what can come up and it always boggles the mind.  Sometimes it upsets me – in fact, it often time upsets me – other times, I just laugh because it’s so ridiculous.

I think I’ve come to the point where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m walking through a tunnel and I’m being attacked and I don’t have much to defend myself.  I’m getting beaten down and I’m getting tired.  But I need to try and be strong for 2 reasons.  I need to be strong for other people.  I’m the buffer this time.  I need to be strong for my own sanity but I’m losing it.

I’m losing heart.  I’m losing hope.  I can’t see the light at the end.  I can’t figure out what my purpose is.  I’m trying to believe and trust in God’s timing and God’s plan – but it’s getting really hard.  =