Believe it or not I had stopped thinking for awhile. I didn’t know that was possible. I had stopped because I was in it. It is when you slip out of it that you begin to think. It is when you think that you know that you are no longer okay.

I am the type of person that is happy when the people closest to me our happy. Whenever I see my friends or family unhappy, it hurts me. And I want to make them feel better. I try a lot of the times, but I actually don’t know if it really works. But I still want them to feel better. I think that by somehow always being like this makes people think that I can fix things. Honestly, I don’t know if I can. But people for some reason believe that other people will listen to what I have to say and that’ll make things better. I’ve turned into this mediator and sometimes I can’t handle it. People can’t seem to convey their feelings to each other in a calm normal manner and need someone to play messenger. I don’t know what to do because often times I’m stuck in the middle of both sides. I can’t choose one or the other and yet somehow I am supposed (need, want) to help make people better. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I want to help very much. It is in my nature to help. But sometimes I’m stuck. I want to but I don’t know how. So I stuck with mixed and contradictory feelings. I want to help. I need to help. I am expected to help. But I can’t because I don’t know how, which results in a very stressed person. I think I might be the one that needs help.

It’s strange to think that things people normally do are so difficult for me to do. The thought of and anticipation of things to come really has an effect on me. The thought lingered in the back of my mind all week. I think I spent most of yesterday going through the motions of today in my head. It kind of took me away from the real world. I was just lost in thought, zoned out. And even as I went to bed, I didn’t know if I would make it. And even as my alarm went off this morning, I still didn’t know if I would make it. Somehow I made it. I took a small jump and made it. I was nervous and freaking out just a little bit. But by the end, I was feeling pretty good. It was kind of nice actually. Now to get worked up about the anticipation of the next…

It’s a strange feeling; a strange experience. There are things I want to do. That’s right, there are actually things that I want to do. But I can’t seem to bring myself to do them. These things range from small things to big things, meaningful things to less meaningful things. The point is I want to do them, but I can’t. I can do all the research. Or live the imagination. I can picture it all in my head. I can see the scenario and I can play it out. However, I can’t seem to get there. The reasons? They’re usually not good, but they are strong enough to make me stop, to keep things a “dream” rather than a reality. Often times I feel like I live in a snow globe because most of the time I feel like I’m watching myself from the outside. I will overcome. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday…

My imagination is only capable of living freely in my dreams. This and that. Here and there. Only in my head.

I’m struggling…to live. How hard is it to live? It’s pretty hard to live when the only place you do it is inside your mind.

—

Someone hit my parked car. That’s the second time. In the same spot. It’s not that bad this time. Just a big scrape. No note. What is wrong with people?

—

My mind is weak.

It’s hard to think that two of my good friends are no longer in San Diego. I can’t just call them and be like, “let’s go do this”. I can’t just go over to their place. It’s a little weird that its so sudden but it seems like you can’t really “prepare” for things like this. Opportunities open up and people take them, nothing wrong with that, they should. I’m going to miss hanging out with them.

It’s allergy time. I went to the park today and came home all sniffly and sneezy. I was thinking maybe its just the grass. But I have showered already so I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away tomorrow. Or maybe its one of those allergy things that I get. It turns into runny noses in the mornings, every morning. It’s really bizarre and very annoying. Hopefully this will be gone in the morning.

I was browsing through old pictures last night. Felt a little bit of nostalgia.

—
For awhile I had stopped thinking, but its back. I’m thinking more and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Thinking about people, about things people do and don’t do, thinking about life, thinking about the past, the future, the present, and thinking about things I imagine happening but will never happen.

—
Written about a year ago was this:
Ever wonder if you’ve made a difference in someones life. One of things I want to happen is for me to say something so profound and so powerful to someone that it will make them change their way of life, their way of living, for the better. If I’ve ever said something to you to make you think, to make you change, to make you realize, to influence you to find something better, to work harder, to be stronger, to be motivated, then I have succeeded. Sometimes I do hope that I make a difference.

I may have partially done that.

—
Turn on the music and let me return to a dream-like state…

As a girl, girlfriend, or wife, would you want a guy to let you win? Win at stuff like games and sports. One lady’s answer, yes. “Of course, if I kept losing, why would I want to play with him.” My answer was a no and then a question. As a guy, how do you feel about a girl beating you at something if you tried your hardest. His answer, I don’t know. It seems to vary between people. I think its got something to do with a guy’s ego. He can’t lose to a…girl. How could he get beat by a girl? This is the reason why sometimes guys give off the excuse that he let the girl win. What kind of BS is that? Also, in the presence of other guys, of course he can’t lose. Else his guy friends will make fun of him forever. What do you guys think for both questions?

In short…

Is negativity doubt towards a greater purpose? That question got me thinking. My answer, yes and no. If you have no hope about anything at all, then yes you are doubting the greater purpose. Other than that no. When I’m negative I’m not doubting the greater purpose. I know there are better days and I know that petty things that happen to people in life, in the end, don’t really matter. Sometimes we are given hardship to learn from and struggle to grow from. And sometimes we need to be reminded.

Is optimism blind faith? Optimism is being able to see that there is something that is more important. It’s the hope that something exists. Is it faith? Yes. Is it blind? I don’t know, depends on your definition of faith.

Can we be negative? Sure, as long as we don’t forget that this isn’t all there is. Can we be optimistic? Sure, that’s what we need to drive us.

I’m just going through the motions. That’s not a good thing. Day in and day out.

I’d have to say my favorite band is Lifehouse. The songs are so good. No Name Face is the best album.