I’ve been thinking a lot lately and by a lot I pretty much mean non-stop. I feel like I have an incredible amount of stress upon me. I’m beginning to think that all this stress is wearing me down physically and mentally. My shoulders have been really tense and I have knots in them, I don’t think I’ve really experienced such tenseness before. My mind is jumping from place to place and I can’t keep track of it which is making it more difficult for me to focus on things. Although this sounds contradictory, I seem to be constantly seeking things to do and places to go to get my mind off of things.

Thoughts that are floating in my mind…well, they vary, but in general: life direction, relationships with people, understanding God, and other miscellaneous things.

I have, for quite some time now, been trying to find new direction because I know that where I am now is not where I am supposed to be. I realize that if I am in the right place, doing the right thing, I would be happy. I want to wake up each morning and go about the day’s events and think, “yes, this is what I am here for” and feel and know that what I am doing is making a difference, and that this is where I am supposed to be. My recent experience has opened my eyes to something that I strongly desire but at this point I am unsure if it is where God is leading me. Sometimes, we think we know better, we experience, we encounter, we desire, and we seek, thinking that THAT is indeed the solution. But as much as I want something, the question that crosses my mind is, “what if that isn’t what’s best for me…or what if that isn’t part of God’s will?” And partly, I’m thinking that God is teaching me to be patient, to trust in Him, and fully submit and admit that He is in control. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to do this. So I’ve been telling myself to worry less, think less, and pray for His will to be done, and lastly, wait for His timing (because so far, His timing has always been perfect).

I’ve also been thinking about relationships with people – friends, family, and those not yet developed. I feel like, we as people are always seeking more, more, and more. I had had my bouts of sadness whenever I had thought about LA leaving, much before she left. That was on and off and when she left I was sad even though I told myself it was like she was just going on vacation. And then it was fine, I’ve been able to talk to her nearly every day. But then it really hit me on Friday night when I was trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. Normally we just went out and ate – but this time I had no one to eat with. I called up a few people but they were all busy and I ended up going out and grabbing some fast food and coming home to eat it alone. That was hard for me, thinking that I would be spending Friday night doing nothing by myself because all my friends were busy and my best friend wasn’t here to hang out with. In hopes of finding something to do, anything, I texted a friend and a bunch of my friends were going to go hang out and get boba that night. Thank God for that. It was good timing and I very much needed that. It reminds me that people are so interesting, that sometimes those who are afraid of something or appear to not want something, deep down inside really desire it. On the other hand, I have also been praying and longing for that “perfect” (yes, I know no one is perfect) guy to come into my life. I often get in over my head when I start thinking about relationships but I know deep down that if this is something God has planned for me, it will happen. I can continue to go on about relationships, but I think I’ll stop for now.

Throughout all the thoughts of my ever wandering mind, I’m beginning to learn more about understanding God and what He has planned for us. I had read in someone’s blog about praying boldly about things and have been known to recite in my head the verse about “in prayer and petition, bring everything to the Lord.” And so, I’ve been praying, a lot. I’ve been praying for all these things on my mind, what to do with them, what I want, how to trust, etc. When someone prays, they are asking for something, right? It doesn’t matter what the prayer is about, it is about asking God for something. Which made me start wondering, why are we praying, if He already has a plan. Why do we pray for xxxxx when yyyy is already going to happen – that whatever is God’s will is going to happen? I am learning that praying is really about seeking God, hearing Him, listening for His lead, connecting with Him, and discerning what He has in store for me or you. So with that, I will keep praying, keep seeking, and listening for God and what He has in store for me.

I know that this is just one of the lows of the roller coaster ride and I’m looking forward to hitting the high.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7