Last week, 3 different people at 3 different instances invited me or mentioned something about their Bible Study to me.  S. on Sunday, saying that I should join them on Tuesday’s since I never have.  A. on Tuesday emailed me notes and events about xroads.  And lastly, SH on Tuesday as well.  What the heck was going on?!

Actually, I have been invited to S’s small group before, but I never went because it seemed much too intense.  As for xroads, well, I have contemplated about it before but just never did it.  In fact, the week prior I had actually thought about going since my Wednesday was free – but of course chickened out.  So with A’s email, I decided that maybe, just maybe, I’ll go check it out this once to see.  At least then, I could really decide.

My thoughts were that xroads would not be too bad because it was basically with everyone I hung out with already.  These are all my friends and I see them on nearly a weekly basis for other events so it would be less intimidating.  Everyone seemed rather surprised that I was there.  The discussion was on a book they had been reading.  We basically went through the study guide.  The format was very similar to a question/answer type.  The leader would ask a question and wait for someone in the group to answer.  If no one decided to answer, someone would be called on.  And also, people were called on to read certain passages.  One of the things I most fear about group discussions is being called on.  I don’t think people should be called on.  If someone has something to say, well, they will say it.  Nearly the whole time of discussion was very nerve wrecking for me as I tried to be unnoticed in order to not be called on.  I did not know the answers to the questions and did not feel comfortable.  But sure enough, I got called on to read a rather long (in my point of view) paragraph out of the book.  It made me super nervous – but I did it.  I was not fond of the discussion portion as it was very intimidating and I felt like I wasn’t at the level of everyone else.  Then we broke into even smaller groups to talk and pray.  Yikes!  The terror of being known and opening up to people.  We had to answer some introspective question which I found quite difficult to do – not just because it was introspective but because I had to speak to others I didn’t know well.  And whenever I get into serious talks or get in an uncomfortable point of speaking, my voice shakes when I talk and I sweat and my pulse increases.  It is very uncomfortable.  So we talked and prayed – the end.  After the whole thing, I was thinking about it and decided that out of the whole experience, while most of it was uncomfortable, I think the discussion was even more nerve wrecking than the whole praying part which I’ve had a lot of problems with in the past.  Would I go again?  I wasn’t sure at that point as I was also slightly contemplating checking out the Thursday Bible Study with SH.

Thursday night Bible Study was originally started by SH and CT for a bunch of athletes.  They both played a lot of sports and felt this connection and wanted to start bringing people to the Small Group so that they could probe some interest in others about God.  They had it going for awhile but a few people ended up moving away so they wanted to start it up again.  Their goal is to make it super simple and get new people to come and just learn and ask questions.  This seemed something more fitting to me.  I’m not new a new believer but as I mentioned in my last post – my knowledge of the actual Bible is limited.  So they said that that particularly Thursday would be very chill – just hang out and then talk about what the Bible Study would be about.  I decided that this might be a good opportunity for me to check it out especially since it was going to be super informal and just a hang out.  So I went – it was chill.  We had pizza, just hung out, they talked about what they wanted to achieve out of the Bible Study, we did small group prayer again (!), and then we just hung out some more.  So now I had to decide if I wanted to actually keep attending Bible Study, if so, which one, or if it still wasn’t something for me.

At least now I can say I went!

This is part 1 of I don’t know how many about Bible Study aka Small Groups.  Today’s topic will be on why I don’t or didn’t or have not gone to or wanted to go to Small Groups.  And I think that, probably a lot of people who don’t go share the same reasons.

Let’s start off with the fact that people scare me, group discussions scare me, and sharing scares me.  It is incredibly uncomfortable for me to be in such “discussion” settings – this does not only apply to the topic of Bible Study but also to classes where they had those mini “discussion” classes in addition to the large lectures.  So what is so scary about it?  Well, I’m not very good at words, I’m not a verbal person.  I am much better and feel much more comfortable expressing myself in writing.  But perhaps it stems down to being afraid to say what you think or being afraid to ask questions.

I often feel like people in Small Groups already “know it all”.  What’s all?  I’m not sure I can define that, but I do feel that these people are at a much deeper level than I’m at.  So to go into the group and not know what the heck is going on is quite intimidating.  People are much more advanced at their knowledge of the Bible and God and Christianity and honestly, I’m not.

It has been a very very long time since I went to a Bible Study (other than this week and last week).  I think I went to a few in college.  I think it could have even been less than a handful.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t feel like I fit in or was very welcomed.  So I stopped going.  It’s also been a very long time and by long I mean years and years and years that I’ve navigated around in the Bible.  I mean, at church I flip to whatever passage the sermon is about and that’s about it.  Because it’s been so long, I actually don’t even remember where all the books of the Bible are.  I did at one point.  And so, that’s embarrassing.  I don’t want to go to a Bible Study and not even know where Isaiah is or be able to flip quickly to I Corinthians.  Also, while everyone knows about this person, that event, and the whole history and everything behind it, I really don’t know anything.  So I feel very self-conscious about my knowledge, like embarrassed to not know all about Paul’s life or whoever.  And to me, it feels as if you already have to know all this when you go to a Small Group because that’s what people talk about and refer to.  And well, even though you are supposed to feel comfortable asking questions, it’s not comfortable at all.  Oh, and I don’t like small group praying, but that’s a different story.

Because of all the reasons listed above, it just makes me not want to go.  And so I avoid Small Groups and feel very awkward and uncomfortable when people ask me why I don’t want to go.  In Part 2, I’ll tell you why I went last week.

I find that I certainly seek out God more and extremely frequently when there is something I want or when things aren’t going well.  How then, do we desire God when things are going well?