The ref pulled me aside and said, “you know what I’m going to tell you right?”  I wasn’t sure what to think…shoot more?  He always says that to me.  He said, “you need to take charge of the game.”  I just stared at him saying nothing.  We had just lost a game by about 5 points.  Normally I don’t even care about the score.  Most of the time I don’t even pay attention to who is winning but this night…I cared.  I cared and was sad/disappointed that we lost.  I cared because…I thought we should have won.  I thought we were better than the other team.  He said, “no one out here can guard you. Lead the team, take charge, control the game.”  I just nodded and went back to our team huddle.  I was feeling a bit discouraged because of the lost.  The refs words just kept resonating in my head.  It reminded me of…my timid basketball self back in high school.  It’s hard…it’s hard in this league.  It’s a rec league which I like but I also don’t want to get too crazy or be too forward or be too bossy or whatever it may be.  I don’t want to be THAT person.  So I hold back.  But apparently the ref thinks I need to do otherwise.

We had another game today.  Before the game, he pulled be aside again and he said, “remember what I told you last week?”  I just smiled at him and nodded.  “Take charge, I thought…”  It’s hard.  It also reminds me of football – the necessity to take charge.  It’s hard…it’s hard for me.  I don’t think of myself as a leader so it’s hard to “play the role”.  So I somewhat tried to just take charge and lead today.  We did win.  At the end of the game the ref said, “that’s what I’m talking about! Now bring it every week!”  Yikes…I don’t know if I can handle that.

I don’t know what to think.  Part of me wants to be able to “take charge and lead” but part of me is still afraid.