a little hopeless.

It’s like I’m the driver and I’m driving by following your directions but you don’t know where the heck you’re going.  You’re saying to turn here and then turn there and turn here and turn there and we’re driving in circles and circles and not going anywhere.  When I tell you what I think – you disregard it.  When I tell you it’s wrong – you don’t believe me.  So I stop telling you and we drive and drive forever in circles.  Then you get mad sometimes because you realize we haven’t gotten anywhere.  Or you get mad because we’ve gone too far in one direction and you think that we should have gone the other way.

I’m getting tired of driving.

I’m trying to be strong but I’m losing heart.  You’d think that there is a tiny bit of hope each day as each day is new and different but I’m beginning to even lose that.  It never ceases to amaze me what can come up and it always boggles the mind.  Sometimes it upsets me – in fact, it often time upsets me – other times, I just laugh because it’s so ridiculous.

I think I’ve come to the point where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m walking through a tunnel and I’m being attacked and I don’t have much to defend myself.  I’m getting beaten down and I’m getting tired.  But I need to try and be strong for 2 reasons.  I need to be strong for other people.  I’m the buffer this time.  I need to be strong for my own sanity but I’m losing it.

I’m losing heart.  I’m losing hope.  I can’t see the light at the end.  I can’t figure out what my purpose is.  I’m trying to believe and trust in God’s timing and God’s plan – but it’s getting really hard.  =

I can’t clear my mind.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  The last time something couldn’t leave my mind, it was likened to a gangrenous cancer.  The way that was gotten rid of was a complete detachment.  It was cut off.

Maybe it’s the same – gah.  So stressed.  Even from the moment I wake up – the thoughts flood my mind – even though I haven’t gotten out of bed.  It’s like every silent moment is it’s opportunity to attack.

I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing me complain and talk about it.  It’s hard for me.  Sorry if it’s annoying.  Still trying to figure out what to do.

Was a bit encouraged by Jaeson Ma’s post:

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living.” Psalm 27:13

I’ve been reading Psalm 23 and Psalm 27 everyday lately and this particular verse kept sticking out to me. Perhaps because the words “I would have lost heart” were italicized or perhaps because every now and then I get to that point of almost losing heart, either due to setbacks, discouragement or disappointment (the normal trials of life) but I always somehow (the Grace of God) end up feeling a rush of encouragement right before I completely lose heart.

Losing heart can be synonymous with losing Hope. Meaning we get to the point where we lose our trust and belief in people, and even worse lose belief or trust in ourselves.

When we lose heart we often become bitter, upset or even unfriendly and begin to question God and ask “Why Me?” Or even better, “Why Everyone Else and not me?”

Losing heart can also be synonymous with Losing Faith, therefore when the scripture says I would have lost faith had I not believed, it can be interpreted as no matter what I’m going through or what I see I’m confident that God will show up. God will show up in these crazy people I have to deal with, God will show up in these crazy circumstances and God will show up and work through me.

I praise God for not letting me lose heart because Lord knows I really need it. I bless God for allowing me to have enough faith to know that he will always show up.

He will show up.

Maybe these are the signs…

Maybe the very situation in itself is a sign and as each day goes by it’s another sign…

Maybe I don’t even know what sign I’m looking for…

Maybe I’ve been driving by all the signs…