Monthly Archives: October 2012

10.18.12
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Inspire

I want to inspire people.

I went to a Women’s Leadership meeting today at the office.  They’re trying to help build up women in the workforce with mentors, skills, with panels, networking, etc.  They want to help women be successful.  4 women of this company have been putting this program together.  They took turns speaking and I was thinking, I want to be like those people.  Although, it is kind of ironic because I greatly dislike speaking in groups.  But I was drawn in by the fact that these were women leaders of the company, they were here to inspire, to help grow, to mentor, to lead, the women of the company.  I want to be that type of leader, one that inspires, one that mentors, one that helps others achieve and realize their potential.

I don’t want to just lead but if I ever get there, I want to do it well.  Lead well and inspire.

10.11.12
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Self Preservation

Today I felt like throwing it all out the window.  All this..resting business.

Work’s having this awesome obstacle challenge course being built in the parking lot in a couple of weeks and it’s free for employees and friends to participate.  It looks like so much freaking fun and I want to participate so bad.  So add that up to 3 events, 3 FUN events lined up in the coming weeks that I would normally be participating in but can’t because of my stupid injuries.

I’m so close to saying screw it and just participate because I probably could – it’ll just hurt.  I guess that’s what I had done for about 3 months before it got so bad that I couldn’t anymore.  But man, short term gratification seems so much more enticing than long term gratification sometimes.

The sports med people called and booked an appointment for me for xrays and a visit but the next one available isn’t even until more than a month out.  That’s the middle of November, which is too close to January, which is too close for my comfort zone.  AND the doc only put in a referral to have my right ankle checked and not my knee.  HELLO?!  I’m pretty sure nothing is wrong with the bones in my ankle, if there is a bone issue, it’s going to be the knee!  The lady is like, yeah they won’t look at the knee since she just put ankle.  UH, FAIL!!!  So she said she would talk to the doc about the knee.  Sheesh.

I need to try really hard to self preserve but I’m close to giving up.  I almost wanted to cry.  I know.  Excessive and dramatic but I think injury or rather inability to do things you love doing makes you a little depressed, add on pmsing, and rainy weather and you got one messed up person.  =P

10.09.12
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Back to the Drawing Board

Been to PT 5 times now and it hasn’t been getting better but it should says the PT.  He’s emailing my doc to get me a referral to a sports doc.  Sigh.  I don’t know what’s going on and how it got this way.

Some days it feels okay and some days not.  Right this very moment, my knee hurts but my ankle feels fine (though my shin hurts).

The PT says they might need more diagnosis.  He says they might need to put my ankle in a boot.  Wtf.  If my ankle is in a boot, how am I supposed to walk because my left knee is jacked.  Well, wheelchair?  Who wants to push me around?   Ok, not funny.

Maybe they’ll take some MRIs for the knee.  Dang this is crazy.  Better get better by January, that’s all I’m saying.

10.03.12
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Situations

I want to say that life isn’t supposed to be stressful.  Is that true?  It isn’t supposed to be?  Maybe it is.

The past 2 months of my life have been fairly calm and unstressful.  Most things have been pretty gravy with the exception of my injuries.  Sometimes I wonder if God puts people into situations where they’ll seek Him because otherwise, they might not.  It’s pretty easy to put God aside when you don’t desperately need something.  At least I find myself doing that sometimes.  Prior to the last 2 months, I was in one of the worst shapes (emotionally) in my life.  Day in and day out, I dreaded each day.  I felt like I was sinking into a depression.  I seeked God with a desperation that I haven’t experienced before – asking Him, pleading for Him to save me.  Seeking him constantly.  Constantly.  And save me He  did.  And as I find myself in a situation that is so far opposite from what I was experiencing before, I also know that I haven’t been seeking God as desperately, with such fervor, with such frequency as before.  Sounds bad, but it’s true.

And as I find myself dealing with this stupid knee and ankle injury that has been lingering, I find myself wondering if this is part of God’s plan to make me come back and seek Him more.  I know, I know.  Blaming God for my problems, right?  But maybe He does do things like that.  He puts you in situations to learn, to bring you closer to Him, to rely on Him.  Because it’s weird.  It’s been nearly 2 months since I’ve been pretty off my legs.  Why isn’t it getting better?  The ankle is especially weird.  Normal ankle injuries hurt for a few weeks but then they’re fine after.  How can it still be messed up after 2 months?!?!  That is a little odd.  The knee, the knee has actually been feeling worse this week.  I’m a little skeptical of this physical therapy business.  I find myself wallowing in self-pity because I can’t participate in things.  I know, people are worse off.  At least I can walk, at least I have legs – you can go on and on.  But, I will still wallow in my self-pity.  I used to be able to just run and play football, basketball, volleyball, softball, run, frisbee – anything – jump down stairs, bootcamp, anything with quick movement.  Now I can just walk and even walking sometimes hurts.  Sleeping hurts my leg when I toss and turn.  Walking down the stairs hurts.  Seems far from getting better.  I’ve prayed about it some but I guess I haven’t gotten to the point where I am desperately asking God to heal me.  However, as I’m thinking more and more about my lack of progress – I’m getting there and maybe that’s where He wants me.

But then it worries me, what if my legs get better, then what?  What else is going to happen where God is going to want me to desperately seek Him even though I should do it all the time – in good times and bad?  This is where fearing God comes to life.  Although, I’m not sure it should be this way.  I’m not sure of much.

And talk about added on stress that hadn’t been on my mind for awhile.  I feel a little abandoned.  And it kind of sucks.  But I think I need to spend some time thinking about this new situation before writing more about it.

I guess life can only be stress-free for so long.  Until God wants your attention.

10.01.12
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Productivity

I was pretty productive today considering it was a weekday.

I got an oil change.

I went to physical therapy.

I got a flu shot.

I watched almost a full basketball game + returned my jersey.

I went to the market.

I made dinner.

Oh, and somewhere along the line, I also went to work.

Cheers to productivity.  Prayers for healing legs.