A few weeks ago, Exodus was invited to come out to youth group on a Friday night.  The original intention was for a few adults to share about their experience with God and/or testimony.  I think this turned away a lot of us because not too many of us really felt comfortable doing such a thing.  However, being told that we wouldn’t be forced or pressured into such a thing, a group of us showed up for some games and just to hang out with the youth.

I made a few observations throughout the night and also as I kind of thought about it.  A bit of background, I didn’t grow up in the church “per se” and I never went to youth group before as a youth.  The only other time I went to youth group was when I was coerced, I mean, invited to chaperone a scavenger hunt at main and that was a bit crazy itself even though I probably had the best group.

Immediately when we walked in, it felt like chaos.  Kids were running wild everywhere.  It seemed out of control.  And I felt like what we saw (and others would agree) was a lack of authority.  Now I don’t know what it is like on a normal Friday night, but it was out of control.  I feel like anyone who is in charge or even working with the youth need to be respected by the youth.  I don’t mean that they need to fear the youth advisors / leaders, but they should respect them enough to a point where they shouldn’t be running the youth advisor around.  The youth should look up to the youth advisors, respect them, and be able to trust them.  I understand that youth are youth – they’re young, wild, reckless, and free.  But when people have respect for others, I feel like their behavior, attitude, and actions should fall in line accordingly.

Right off the bat, I made very quick assumptions or character analysis about certain kids in the room.  Things like, that girl is quiet, shy, probably doesn’t have a lot of friends, and seems uncomfortable, to that boy seems mischievous but a bit shy, to that girl is definitely an attention seeker, to wow these girls wear makeup (how old are you people?), to wow I can’t tell how old these boys are, to which boys were more wild, leaders and followers, etc.

We learned each person’s name – sort of.  I did end up knowing every kid’s name at the end of the night – but I can’t say that the kids knew all our names nor can I say that every adult learned every kid’s name.  We played a few games which were mostly fun with the exception of maybe one which wasn’t really a game.

I found it difficult to connect with the kids – obviously it was a one event thing but I’ve always had trouble connecting with kids.  I don’t really know how to interact with them.  The age difference is so enormous, I realized, that it was hard to hold a conversation.  It was more of me asking the same questions, how old are you?  What school do you go to?  Strange.  And guess what, I actually used to work with kids quite a bit.  No, don’t try to tell me I should do youth ministry.  Working with kids is hard and I never really got it down.

For a long while, I had this perception in my mind that kids that grow up in the church are more mature than kids who don’t.  I don’t know how much this holds true anymore haha.  Well, based on that night I don’t know how much that holds true.  But I used to think that because the kids had more exposure to adults and many different things, they were more mature.  They were used to speaking to adults, speaking in small groups, thinking outside the box, thinking about deep and serious subjects, and maybe it is still true and I’m just forgetting that kids and just that, still kids.  So they will be wild and reckless, but maybe they can still be mature?  Haha, I don’t know.

I definitely have more respect for the youth advisors out there though – with the responsibility of shaping these young minds and teaching them and showing them how to experience God.

And I do think it was good for Exodus to see a bit of youth group.

I feel mopey today.  Mopey, is that how you spell it?  Actually, not today, just tonight – not sure why.

The day went well.  I was super productive and got to do all kinds of interesting things at school.  I got to meet up with a friend from the old school.  I got to mini workout with push ups, sit ups, and various PT exercises.  The knee was kind of hurting today and yesterday.  I think it was because I walked down 6 flights of stairs yesterday because the elevator wasn’t functioning so well.  If it still hurts to walk, it probably means it’s not getting any better.  I still can’t get in the gym.  Some of the PT exercises make me wonder if I should do them because I think they might be strengthening more of the outer quad than the VMO and if that’s the case then that is bad because the strength or muscle of the outer quad is what is making the patella go out of alignment.  Wow that was a long sentence.  Anyway, it felt good to sweat.

On another note, I did enjoy tonight’s bible study.  Admittedly, I think most of the other parts of Romans have been difficult for me to follow either because I was stressed, so tired, or it was a bit stale.  Yeah, it’s hard for me to follow things where you have to pay attention to history.  I was never good at history.

Anyway, after going over Romans 12, it just made me think of how difficult it was to do all these things.  Parts that stood out are in blue below.  Renewing the mind.  I think renewing the mind takes acknowledgement.  It takes desire, intention, and focus.

Test and approve God’s will.  I’ve never thought about testing or even approving God’s will.  I, like many others have just thought that whatever happens is God’s will – at least in a general sense.  I know sometimes decisions are made are a whim and then you might realize that God wasn’t calling you in that direction.  But to be able to test and approve – now that’s something new.

We have different gifts.  Gifts.  I’m still not sure what my gifts are.  Maybe these are it or maybe these are just things that happen to me.  I think sometimes people are drawn to me.  I attract people and I find that I often attract strange people!!  Haha.  My friends tell me I’m approachable which is weird because I don’t think I’m that approachable, then again, I got all the randoms that like to approach me.  I don’t know what else.  I like to care for people and make sure people are happy though that hardly seems like a gift.

Be devoted to one another in love.  DEVOTED.  Dang that is hard.  People are hard to love.  I’m sure I’m hard to love too but some people are really hard for me to love. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood.  Other times, I remind myself to make a conscious effort.

Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervor.  Dang, another area where I definitely lack in zeal.  Sometimes I’ll be very passionate and other times not.  Need to work on that.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.  I think I have the most difficult time with being patient in affliction because it sucks the dear life out of me.  But in patience, I should be joyful in hope, and I should pray faithfully.  In affliction, oh yeah, I pray faithfully, am I joyful in hope?  Nope.  I hope, but I am not joyful in it.  I think I used to be a pretty patient person but am less patient now.  But when it comes to being patient in affliction, that’s hard.  You just want it to be over with.  That may be one of the most trying times – trying to be patient in affliction.

Bless those who persecute you.  Bless them.  Do not curse.  This goes along with not paying evil for evil.  Curse people.  I feel like I’ve cursed a lot of people recently (in the past year).  It’s hard.  But at the same time, I feel like I have also tried to bless them to a small degree.  Do not pay evil with evil.  I feel like my previous circumstance was just being stuck in a very evil place with evil thoughts, actions, and people.  It was evil all around.  I really feel like the place was evil and that satan was trying to put a stronghold on me.  Trying to break me down and crush me.  I think I was being succumbed but I didn’t try to fight evil with evil.  I knew that in the end, God would prevail.  In the end, despite all the evil, all the persecution (if you will), I will hold strong, I will not play their games, I would let God help me rise above and be strong.  What happened?  Well, God prevailed.  And I didn’t battle evil with evil.  I battled evil with good.

Live at peace with everyone.  I don’t think this only applies to actual living situations though it can be applicable.  This was obviously a very trying experience last year – can’t believe all that crazy.  But I think this is includes just being.  Relationships with people, friends, coworkers, strangers.  It’s a tough one when you don’t agree with other people or when you have trouble respecting people.

Well, looks like I’ve got a long way to go…

A Living Sacrifice

12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord.²⁰ On the contrary:

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I had just finished my run at the lake and found a nice spot to stretch.  There weren’t many people around and I had a perfect view of the lake and the beginning of a sunset.  I was staring at the sky and clouds and the sun behind the clouds and thought that there would be a really pretty sunset today.  I like sunsets.  I like them.  A lot.  With the sun behind the clouds, it created a glowing silver lining.  Glowing.  I couldn’t help but think of recent events and what I’m going through at the moment.  Silver lining.  And so I thought, at least there’s a silver lining.  As I stared into the sun, the clouds began to move.  The sun started to get brighter and brighter until it was only surrounded by the clouds that were just covering it.  I was fixated and stared into the sun so much I couldn’t see anything else.  It became SO BRIGHT.  At that moment, I smiled.  God’s light is so strong that nothing can hold it back.  I was reminded at how strong and powerful He is – that even in darkness, His light shines through.  His light shines brighter than all.  If you think about being in a dark room with the door closed and all you can see is the light in the crack – you become fixated on that little bit of light.  That little bit of light in the darkness brings hopes.  On the contrary, in a bright room, you don’t see darkness.  Light prevails.  Light prevails in the darkness.  Darkness does not prevail in the light.  Staring into the sun and watching it get brighter and brighter reminded me that redemption is beautiful.  Light in darkness reminded me that grace is beautiful.

The past few days have been really rough – I have been so stressed that I haven’t been able to sleep.  It will all be over so soon.  4 more days.  Today was a good reminder that in the end, God wins.  His light can overcome the darkness.  His light is so bright that once you see it, you can’t see anything else.  Let light prevail.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:5

..with trust.

I’m slow to trust and quick to doubt.  Are those opposites?

I find that I often don’t trust people and I often struggle with trusting God.  I’m very selective about what stuff I tell people and who I tell them to.  I find that I am once again in a place where I really need to trust and believe in God’s plan for me.  Sometimes I find myself too scared to do anything.  Yes, I know I am scaredy cat and I know that being so scared that you don’t take action is really really bad.  So I work on it and usually I can move forward with a bit of self-motivation and nudging from others.  Sometimes it takes a lot to get me to move forward but I will eventually as a part of improving myself.

This time, I’ve done something, although nothing big, I’m really hoping on it.  I also often get ahead of myself.  My mind gets consumed with things that have not yet happened along with the uncertainty of whether they will even happen or not.  I guess it’s wishful thinking.  Perhaps that if I get to point B, this is how I play it out in my head.

As a part of learning to trust God, which I’m really learning to do, I realize that while I have certain ideas in my mind and certain desires, that what I want may not be the best for me.  Yeah, I have a glimmer of hope – a glimmer…if even that.  And I’m riding on that right now.  But I don’t want it if that’s not where God wants to take me.  And sure I still have prayers and hopes of what I’m looking for and I will continue to pray boldly for change – change for the better.

I even pray for giants to tumble.  Is that bad?  I was inspired by Jaeson Ma’s post, “Focus on your giants and you will stumble. Focus on God and your giants will tumble.”  Giving up my giant to God and really focusing on God.

Learning to trust over and over again.  Because if I really trusted, I would leap out in faith and not worry about a single thing.  Still learning.  Slowly.

I remember reading this post from Jaeson Ma not too long ago, I like it:

P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens

The way to get real-life results in prayer is to seek God with an attitude that says, “No matter how long it takes, or whatever I have to do, I will not be denied”. This is not arrogance, it’s Godly hunger. It is not about pushing God, but about pushing yourself into God. This is not praying for the sake of praying. This is praying to see the hand of God move. This is desperate hungry praying. This is the type of prayer that gets answers.

Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, (Luke 18:1 NKJV)