Sometimes I feel like we are too absorbed in our Christian bubble. Have you ever tried to think about how all the things we understand or the things we do so naturally and make so much sense to us look from the outside?

Does it make us look like we think we are better than everyone else? It’s hard, because I don’t know the answers. I’m not good with words.

Tonight I entered in a conversation with someone that really made me feel inadequate and somewhat like a failure. I felt like I was acting on the defense and maybe even sounded offended when it wasn’t intended to be. How do you go about explaining that what I’m involved in and what I know and what I believe is something I want you to know and experience because it is good and has nothing to do with me. I don’t get brownie points. It doesn’t work that way.

How do you go about explaining that we are not here to judge but by speaking those very words, perhaps you are judging? How do you share that there is so much more to it than what they know, for determining that and offering that is either judgement or lifting yourself up to be higher or better than them. At least that’s what it looks like.

How do you display through actions and reveal that there’s more, there’s something different, there’s something better? How do you make them feel that this is not a scheme, it’s not a whole plot out there, it’s not meant to be pushy or aggressive, but meant to be an invitation?

Tonight, I felt like any seed that was ever planted was basically ripped out due to my inability to speak in the right words, that actually my actions have led to more pushing away than pulling in.

I’m sorry. I just want you to know what I know but I don’t know how to say it.

To be honest, I didn’t really want to go to the 1040 event. I didn’t want to go because I was afraid, I was afraid of what it was going to be. Typically before I attend things that are new to me, I like to research it like crazy. So, I watched videos, I read about the speaker, and so on and so forth. This event was a screening for the film 1040 by Jaeson Ma. This movie is a documentary on the rise of Christianity in the new Asia. Clearly it was going to be a call to missions. And yes, I am one of those people that thinks in my head that missions is not for me. Honestly, I cannot fathom giving my life up for missions in Asia. That’s the honest truth that I’m afraid to admit. Well, I said it. I was looking at some of the merchandise online that was being sold and the t-shirts said, “Answer the Call”. Clearly, this is a event that calls people to missions. I don’t want the call. I don’t want the call because it scares me. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of hearing the call and if I don’t hear the call, that means I won’t have to answer it. It’s like whether or not people want to hear bad news or hear about issues right. Because if you don’t hear it, you don’t know about it, if you don’t know about it, you don’t have to do anything. But after my research, I thought Jaeson Ma sounded like a good speaker, the movie trailer looked interesting enough, so alright, I’ll go check it out.

Conviction
Here I am, a day after the event and my mind is flooded with all that happened last night. The event was so intense. It was emotional. It was intense. (My fingers here cannot keep up with the things going on in my mind so I will just write what I can.) I went in there expecting some worship, some speaking, and then getting to watch the movie. It was so much more than that. In the beginning they wanted everyone to get out of their seats and move to the front. They wanted us to rock out and honestly it was uncomfortable. I think it was uncomfortable for most of us – not just myself. It’s hard to let loose. After that, some talking, praying, we watched the movie. Now after the movie is where it got crazy. Jaeson Ma has a way of speaking that really gets to people. The Holy Spirit truly does move in him when he speaks. And all these things that he said just keeps resonating in my mind last night even as I woke up, even now. A thought is something that comes and goes, conviction is something that stays. No, I didn’t feel the call and I probably didn’t feel the call because I didn’t let myself. But I did get a whole lot of other stuff from it and I’m still trying to grasp what it all means.

The Presence of God
Jaeson talked continuously and intensely about being in the presence of God. To seek His presence and be in His Glory. Show me Your presence, show me Your glory. When you are in the presence of God, you will experience full joy. To wait on the Lord, you must be still. Be still and know that I am God. When was the last time you were still. Completely still and just reflected on God. I admit that that happens rarely. I admit that right now I do love the things of this world more than I love Him. It’s hard. It’s hard to be fully focused on God. It’s hard to put into actions what you really believe. Until you live out what you believe, you don’t really believe it.

Let Go and Let God
Control is an issue that I battle with all the time. I struggled with it hard core about 2 years ago. I want to be in control of my own life – I’m too afraid of certain things happening that I take a great effort to try and prevent them from happening. My constant battle was that if I truly believed and trusted in God, why couldn’t I let go? Why couldn’t I let go and let God? I couldn’t let go because I was afraid. I was afraid that God would let something happen, something crazy happen, something I didn’t want to happen. I don’t even know what that is but because I was afraid, I did not relinquish my control for a long time. I was scared to even utter the words in my prayers. After a long, emotionally draining battle, I finally let go. I had to submit to His power, His trust, and let Him take control because if I truly believed that God is who He is, it wouldn’t matter what I thought, He would take care of me. And He did.

I still battle with the issue of control and it’s hard. I’m still afraid. I’m afraid to let go because I’m afraid of what God might want me to do that I don’t want to do. I’m still trying to remember the big picture. After all, it is often the big picture that we all miss or forget about that we get so caught up in the details that have nothing to do with the big picture. The big picture is this. Religion is man reaching out to God. Christianity is God extending His grace to us and all we have to do is accept it. God created us for His glory. God loved us so that we could love. God created us to worship Him. We were created as instruments of God to do His will. It’s not, if it is Your will, let this happen. It is, this is God’s will, how can I be a part of it? It’s God being in the driver seat and in control and us being in the passenger seat going where He wants to take us. And when you and I can fully understand, grasp, and accept that will we be able to true disciples of Jesus Christ.

What’s Next?

• Being Still – Trying to spend more time being still and know that He is God.
• Know God – Recognizing who God really is, what He has done.
• Seeking God’s Presence – I want to fully experience what it is like to be in the presence of God.
• Love – Love is selfless not selfish. This is so powerful. This is so hard. Try to be more selfless.
• Glory – Seek God’s glory and glorify him.
• Passion – Understanding that passion comes from God and God alone. When you have a passion for God, you will have passions that He sets before you. When you have passions set before you, you will change the world.

“If you don’t have a passion worth dying for, you have nothing worth living for.” – Jaeson Ma

There’s so much more that’s rattling my brain all jumbled up. This is all for now. And yes, I would encourage you to listen to Jaeson Ma speak if you get a chance. He really is amazing in how he moves people.

Last week, 3 different people at 3 different instances invited me or mentioned something about their Bible Study to me.  S. on Sunday, saying that I should join them on Tuesday’s since I never have.  A. on Tuesday emailed me notes and events about xroads.  And lastly, SH on Tuesday as well.  What the heck was going on?!

Actually, I have been invited to S’s small group before, but I never went because it seemed much too intense.  As for xroads, well, I have contemplated about it before but just never did it.  In fact, the week prior I had actually thought about going since my Wednesday was free – but of course chickened out.  So with A’s email, I decided that maybe, just maybe, I’ll go check it out this once to see.  At least then, I could really decide.

My thoughts were that xroads would not be too bad because it was basically with everyone I hung out with already.  These are all my friends and I see them on nearly a weekly basis for other events so it would be less intimidating.  Everyone seemed rather surprised that I was there.  The discussion was on a book they had been reading.  We basically went through the study guide.  The format was very similar to a question/answer type.  The leader would ask a question and wait for someone in the group to answer.  If no one decided to answer, someone would be called on.  And also, people were called on to read certain passages.  One of the things I most fear about group discussions is being called on.  I don’t think people should be called on.  If someone has something to say, well, they will say it.  Nearly the whole time of discussion was very nerve wrecking for me as I tried to be unnoticed in order to not be called on.  I did not know the answers to the questions and did not feel comfortable.  But sure enough, I got called on to read a rather long (in my point of view) paragraph out of the book.  It made me super nervous – but I did it.  I was not fond of the discussion portion as it was very intimidating and I felt like I wasn’t at the level of everyone else.  Then we broke into even smaller groups to talk and pray.  Yikes!  The terror of being known and opening up to people.  We had to answer some introspective question which I found quite difficult to do – not just because it was introspective but because I had to speak to others I didn’t know well.  And whenever I get into serious talks or get in an uncomfortable point of speaking, my voice shakes when I talk and I sweat and my pulse increases.  It is very uncomfortable.  So we talked and prayed – the end.  After the whole thing, I was thinking about it and decided that out of the whole experience, while most of it was uncomfortable, I think the discussion was even more nerve wrecking than the whole praying part which I’ve had a lot of problems with in the past.  Would I go again?  I wasn’t sure at that point as I was also slightly contemplating checking out the Thursday Bible Study with SH.

Thursday night Bible Study was originally started by SH and CT for a bunch of athletes.  They both played a lot of sports and felt this connection and wanted to start bringing people to the Small Group so that they could probe some interest in others about God.  They had it going for awhile but a few people ended up moving away so they wanted to start it up again.  Their goal is to make it super simple and get new people to come and just learn and ask questions.  This seemed something more fitting to me.  I’m not new a new believer but as I mentioned in my last post – my knowledge of the actual Bible is limited.  So they said that that particularly Thursday would be very chill – just hang out and then talk about what the Bible Study would be about.  I decided that this might be a good opportunity for me to check it out especially since it was going to be super informal and just a hang out.  So I went – it was chill.  We had pizza, just hung out, they talked about what they wanted to achieve out of the Bible Study, we did small group prayer again (!), and then we just hung out some more.  So now I had to decide if I wanted to actually keep attending Bible Study, if so, which one, or if it still wasn’t something for me.

At least now I can say I went!

This is part 1 of I don’t know how many about Bible Study aka Small Groups.  Today’s topic will be on why I don’t or didn’t or have not gone to or wanted to go to Small Groups.  And I think that, probably a lot of people who don’t go share the same reasons.

Let’s start off with the fact that people scare me, group discussions scare me, and sharing scares me.  It is incredibly uncomfortable for me to be in such “discussion” settings – this does not only apply to the topic of Bible Study but also to classes where they had those mini “discussion” classes in addition to the large lectures.  So what is so scary about it?  Well, I’m not very good at words, I’m not a verbal person.  I am much better and feel much more comfortable expressing myself in writing.  But perhaps it stems down to being afraid to say what you think or being afraid to ask questions.

I often feel like people in Small Groups already “know it all”.  What’s all?  I’m not sure I can define that, but I do feel that these people are at a much deeper level than I’m at.  So to go into the group and not know what the heck is going on is quite intimidating.  People are much more advanced at their knowledge of the Bible and God and Christianity and honestly, I’m not.

It has been a very very long time since I went to a Bible Study (other than this week and last week).  I think I went to a few in college.  I think it could have even been less than a handful.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t feel like I fit in or was very welcomed.  So I stopped going.  It’s also been a very long time and by long I mean years and years and years that I’ve navigated around in the Bible.  I mean, at church I flip to whatever passage the sermon is about and that’s about it.  Because it’s been so long, I actually don’t even remember where all the books of the Bible are.  I did at one point.  And so, that’s embarrassing.  I don’t want to go to a Bible Study and not even know where Isaiah is or be able to flip quickly to I Corinthians.  Also, while everyone knows about this person, that event, and the whole history and everything behind it, I really don’t know anything.  So I feel very self-conscious about my knowledge, like embarrassed to not know all about Paul’s life or whoever.  And to me, it feels as if you already have to know all this when you go to a Small Group because that’s what people talk about and refer to.  And well, even though you are supposed to feel comfortable asking questions, it’s not comfortable at all.  Oh, and I don’t like small group praying, but that’s a different story.

Because of all the reasons listed above, it just makes me not want to go.  And so I avoid Small Groups and feel very awkward and uncomfortable when people ask me why I don’t want to go.  In Part 2, I’ll tell you why I went last week.

I find that I certainly seek out God more and extremely frequently when there is something I want or when things aren’t going well.  How then, do we desire God when things are going well?

There have been a lot of things going on (at least in my mind) lately about all sorts of things.  I’ve really been trying to just let go and to let God take control.  This has lead me to be more peaceful about some things.  It just makes things so much less stressful.  I know that if God wants something for me and if it is in His will, then it will be done.  I’m trying to learn that worrying more about things doesn’t really do anything but laying it all down in front of God and letting Him guide is crucial and it’s all we need.  So I pray for opportunities, but I’m praying that when He does present one, He’ll lead me there and I”ll follow.