Category Archives: Life

08.21.13
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Racing and racing as fast as you can

Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again

Well the thyroid is so jacked right now.  Resting heart rate of 120.  I feel like I might soon find myself in the hospital.  They increased my dosage by six times its previous amount.  I wonder what they’re going to do.  Probably kill the thyroid. 

He said to just keep an eye on the lymph node.  He really thinks it’s benign.  If it changes then he’d be concern.

He says I have chronically inflamed tonsils.  Only cure to that is to remove them but he didn’t advise that.

Bleh.  Trying to stay positive is difficult with this flurry of health problems. 

I also got rejected from donating blood today.  That sucked.

07.31.13
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It’s All Internal

It’s kind of strange that pain, emotions, and illness are all things that only the person experiencing it can truly understand, feel, and suffer through.  While others may be sympathetic, it’s still rough to fight the battle.  While you may try to explain to other people what is happening, it’s still your battle.

I lost about 6lbs suddenly.  When I tell people this, I’m telling them out of a concern for myself that this is not normal.  The 6lbs lost are not 6lbs of fat loss, it’s 6lbs of lean muscles lost.  Hyperthyroidism attacks your muscles, not your fat.  Almost at an instance, people often tell me how lucky I am and how they wish they could lose weight while doing nothing or how difficult it is for them to lose weight.  Newsflash – it freaking sucks.  Replace freaking with the f-bomb.

Do you know what it feels like to suddenly feel all weak where lifting your arms up and lifting small items up is difficult and tiring?  It not only feels terrible physically, it feels terrible emotionally.  It makes you feel a little helpless that seemingly overnight or over a few days, you can become so weak.

I tried to lift up the 5 gallon water bottle last night to flip it onto the water cooler.  I’ve never really had trouble lifting that before.  It felt so heavy, I actually wasn’t sure if I could successfully flip it.  I felt like I could barely hold it which is vastly different from being able to lug one of those around at least to and from the car.  I still went for the flip because I didn’t want to feel helpless.  It was heavy and difficult but I only made a slight mess.  Now I need to work my muscles back up once I start feeling better.

I feel a little better.  Much better than last week at least but still not 100%.  It’ll take awhile for the meds to kick in.  Last time it got so bad I couldn’t even squeeze my shampoo bottle.  Serious.  Imagine how that feels.  Freaking A.

I hate dealing with all these heath issues.  Still need to find out what’s going on with the node that is still there.  -_-  Jacked thyroid.  Jacked Knee.  Irritated Eyes (might have to do with the thyroid).  Ugh.

07.30.13
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Trauma

Being at that place seems to have traumatized me or something because seeing those people still strikes fear in me.  How is it that I am still afraid of them… I have no desire to see them and its not like they can do anything yet their very presence made my heart seriously start racing and fear came upon me.  I did not want to be seen and wanted to leave immediately for fear of being seen.  Gah.  These people. 

07.25.13
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Feverish

I haven’t had a fever in who knows how long.  I feel like crap.  I wonder what’s wrong with me.  Been having a headache since at least Saturday.  Kept having a headache when I woke up in the morning.  Yesterday I felt very warm during the day.  Thought I was imagining things.  Then last night I kept feeling my head very warm but my hands and feet and body were very cold.  Finally took my temp last night.  Was about 101.  Then I tried to sleep at like 9 something but couldn’t fall asleep.  Felt pretty miserable and hot.  Stayed in bed til about 230.  ugh.  Still felt very hot and head was hurting.  IBU makes my head feel better.  been wondering if its my thyroid since I don’t have cold symptoms.  Weighed myself to check. Lost six pounds. That’s concerning. Unexpected weight loss is a symptom.  And fatigue and weakness is also which I’ve been feeling.  going to the bay tomorrow.  Ugh this is bad timing.  Hope I feel better soon.  Won’t get another lab test til like three weeks. 

07.08.13
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Youth Group

A few weeks ago, Exodus was invited to come out to youth group on a Friday night.  The original intention was for a few adults to share about their experience with God and/or testimony.  I think this turned away a lot of us because not too many of us really felt comfortable doing such a thing.  However, being told that we wouldn’t be forced or pressured into such a thing, a group of us showed up for some games and just to hang out with the youth.

I made a few observations throughout the night and also as I kind of thought about it.  A bit of background, I didn’t grow up in the church “per se” and I never went to youth group before as a youth.  The only other time I went to youth group was when I was coerced, I mean, invited to chaperone a scavenger hunt at main and that was a bit crazy itself even though I probably had the best group.

Immediately when we walked in, it felt like chaos.  Kids were running wild everywhere.  It seemed out of control.  And I felt like what we saw (and others would agree) was a lack of authority.  Now I don’t know what it is like on a normal Friday night, but it was out of control.  I feel like anyone who is in charge or even working with the youth need to be respected by the youth.  I don’t mean that they need to fear the youth advisors / leaders, but they should respect them enough to a point where they shouldn’t be running the youth advisor around.  The youth should look up to the youth advisors, respect them, and be able to trust them.  I understand that youth are youth – they’re young, wild, reckless, and free.  But when people have respect for others, I feel like their behavior, attitude, and actions should fall in line accordingly.

Right off the bat, I made very quick assumptions or character analysis about certain kids in the room.  Things like, that girl is quiet, shy, probably doesn’t have a lot of friends, and seems uncomfortable, to that boy seems mischievous but a bit shy, to that girl is definitely an attention seeker, to wow these girls wear makeup (how old are you people?), to wow I can’t tell how old these boys are, to which boys were more wild, leaders and followers, etc.

We learned each person’s name – sort of.  I did end up knowing every kid’s name at the end of the night – but I can’t say that the kids knew all our names nor can I say that every adult learned every kid’s name.  We played a few games which were mostly fun with the exception of maybe one which wasn’t really a game.

I found it difficult to connect with the kids – obviously it was a one event thing but I’ve always had trouble connecting with kids.  I don’t really know how to interact with them.  The age difference is so enormous, I realized, that it was hard to hold a conversation.  It was more of me asking the same questions, how old are you?  What school do you go to?  Strange.  And guess what, I actually used to work with kids quite a bit.  No, don’t try to tell me I should do youth ministry.  Working with kids is hard and I never really got it down.

For a long while, I had this perception in my mind that kids that grow up in the church are more mature than kids who don’t.  I don’t know how much this holds true anymore haha.  Well, based on that night I don’t know how much that holds true.  But I used to think that because the kids had more exposure to adults and many different things, they were more mature.  They were used to speaking to adults, speaking in small groups, thinking outside the box, thinking about deep and serious subjects, and maybe it is still true and I’m just forgetting that kids and just that, still kids.  So they will be wild and reckless, but maybe they can still be mature?  Haha, I don’t know.

I definitely have more respect for the youth advisors out there though – with the responsibility of shaping these young minds and teaching them and showing them how to experience God.

And I do think it was good for Exodus to see a bit of youth group.

07.04.13
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Insert Captivating Title Here

This has nothing to do with the title or lack of one.

Last week I found myself sitting at the medical center again waiting for my doctor’s appointment.  I started writing on my phone but I never finished so I guess I’ll finish here.

—

This place is eerie.  I’m sitting here waiting to be called in to see the ENT (Ears, Nose, and Throat) Specialist.  This floor also holds the departments of oncology and that’s what creeps me out.  Everyone here is old(er).  I hate medical buildings and hospitals.  A place filled with the sick.  I wonder if they just kind of assume that everyone who comes here has cancer and is dying.  I’m a little more hopeful as it seems that the bump has actually gotten smaller.  Maybe it was an infection from that scab on my head I kept picking.  Sorry, that sounds gross but it’s true.  I finally let it heal.

—

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it many times before.  I really dislike going to see the doctor and I really dislike medical buildings, waiting rooms, hospitals, etc.  They give off this bad aura.

Anyway, this was my follow up appointment after seeing my primary care.  From that previous visit with my primary care, they sent me off to get an ultrasound of my thyroid and of the swollen node (these are two separate things).  Thyroid is in the front like where your throat is – the swollen node was on the right side of my neck.  The right side of my thyroid, I felt, was also more swollen than the left side.  Started to feel a lot of pressure in my throat all the time and continued dull pain from the node.  Not comfortable at all and made me extra paranoid and concerned.  They wanted me to get the ultrasound right away which was kind of scary – they even got me a same day appointment.  I went in late to work because of that original appointment and then that afternoon I had to go again so I felt kind of bad.  During the ultrasound, the technician spent a lot of time on the right side which I guess makes sense.  After it, as I was leaving, she said, “Make sure you keep all your doctor’s appointments.”  Who says that?!??!  Geez.  I was starting to feel a little better but that totally tripped me up.  It was as if she saw something concerning.  So I freaked out and was stressing out and bought 20 chicken nuggets from MCD even though I JUST ate lunch prior to going to this doctor’s appointment.  Ugh.

The primary care also moved up my appointment with the ENT to two weeks later.  It was originally scheduled for August which would have been over a month out.  I guess it was concerning which made it more concerning for me.  Freak.

Fast forward to last week.  Because they had to squeeze me in, they had already warned me that I might have to wait long.  My appointment was at 440.  I didn’t get called in until like 20-30 min after even though I was there at about 420.  Then I sat in the room waiting for the doctor for about another 30 minutes which make it like almost 530-545.  Anyway, it was forever.

The doc comes in – reads my charts to himself.  I tell him about the node and bend my neck over to show him.  [Actually by this time, I felt like the node was actually smaller than before.  I really think that letting that thing on my head heal may have helped it and it might actually be what was causing it.]  He looks at it and presses on it.  He says that there are multiple nodes there – a clump of them.  =\  Um.  That is not good to hear.  He feels my thyroid and says its definitely enlarged.  He asks if I have had any scalp infections which is interesting – so I tell him about the thing on my head and he checks and is like, yeah there is a scar there.  He said that might have caused it.  He also said the node actually wasn’t that big once I stopped tilting my head.  He said it just seemed extra large because of the position of where it was at.  And that was concerning at first.  He told me I had three options (in regards to the node): 1) since it did get smaller, we could wait to see if it goes away; 2) stick a needle in it and get some cells out to test; 3) cut it open and take out.

He says, you think about that for a moment.  Then says, I’m not done examining you.

He sprayed some topical analgesic to numb my throat and the inside of my nose.  He sprayed some stuff up my nose and then sprayed this nasty nasty rotten banana flavored stuff in my mouth.  I guess they numb the mucous membranes.  He was going to look in my throat and up my nose – well they connect together.  That spray was nasty – it felt so weird and uncomfortable as it started to numb.  I felt like I had to keep swallowing but couldn’t really feel anything.  He first looked in my mouth and said my tonsils were very large.  That’s weird, no one ever said that before.  Then he stuck this tiny long tube up my nose :( and looked in.  That was uncomfortable and awkward.  UGH.  He looked in there and said my adenoids were enlarged.  He said that was weird because usually they’re not supposed to be for someone my age.  He said maybe I was allergic to something.  He said if it was really enlarged then it might block my airway so I would have difficulty  breathing.  He said maybe that was also causing the lymph node to swell.

Back to the options.  Uh…great.  My initial thoughts – better to get some info about it so stick a needle in it.  He said doing that would either tell us if it’s cancer, if it’s not cancer, or if you can’t tell if its cancer (so it’s not ruled out – so we’d have to run more tests).  Then I thought, well I kind of want to wait because it did get a lot smaller – so maybe it’ll heal – but I didn’t want to wait because the nurse told me the doc was booked until September.  Option 3 – uh, yeah no.  I blurted out, needle…I guess?  Then asked what he thought.  He said he was very comfortable with any of the 3 because he actually wasn’t overly concerned about it.  Though he was slightly concerned that there were more than one nodes together.  But he said they were soft.  I told him my concern about not being able to come back until September.  But he said, you’re my patient now, when I tell them I need to see you, they’ll book it, so don’t worry about that.  Then I asked if sticking the needle in will aggravate the node and possibly make it bigger again.  He said yeah it would.  So I told him I was thinking about waiting.  He said that was fine, if it gets smaller, then great, we’ll be happy we didn’t do anything to do it.  If it gets bigger, then we can needle it.  That made me feel better.  The thing that made me feel better the most was that it is smaller than before.

So I chose to wait.  And kept asking when everything would stop being numb because 1) it was very uncomfortable and 2) I wanted to eat.  Ugh.  I would hate to be sick and having tests run on me all the time.  That little bit was bad enough – for me at least.

So I won’t go back for a few more weeks.  Hopefully this continues to go down.  Then I’ll be happier.  I haven’t thought about it too much or been too concerned lately.  It was seriously bothering me like crazy.  I still hope and pray that it is nothing serious and hope it all disappears by the time I go back.

On another note, if you’re still reading, I had to go into a parking area where you have to pay to get out.  A lot of Sharps are like this.  However, I realized, I didn’t have any cash.  I was guessing I’d have to pay $2 so I started looking for change to prepare.  Luckily, they were closed by the time I was done and I didn’t have to pay to get out!

And J was so sweet.  I went to his place afterwards and he had surprised me with a bag of all the things I like.  :)  And then took me out to dinner.  :)

06.20.13
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San Diego Fair

The San Diego Fair…

I think it was 2 years ago was the first time I actually went to the fair.  All these years of living in SD, I had no idea.  I heard about it but I guess no one I knew really went to it so I never thought anything about it.  The fair is an experience I think people should try once.  One year we went like 3x in one week – that was a bit of an overload.

We went at a good time this year.  It was on a Tuesday and we got tickets for $4!  I think it’s normally $15-20.  It was not nearly as crowded which was really really nice.  I’ve been on the weekends before and it is insane.  I think since it is so early in the “season” it was less crowded as well.  Lines were short for food and to get in.  There was parking available at Horse Park and getting to the parking wasn’t bad at all.

This year we tried fried avocado, fried oreos, some people tried the waffle dog – hot dog wrapped in a waffle.  Got some strawberry lemonade from the gingerbread house as usual.  Australia battered potatoes covered in cheese & ranch – delish!

I don’t really do rides and I’m actually not a huge fan of the fried stuff but I do like to on occasion try my luck at carnival games.  Basically tossing money away to win stuffed animals that just sit there but it’s more about conquering the game!

The first game we played was regulation rim free throw shooting with a kobe blocking the way – $5 and you have to make 8 shots in 15 seconds.  Totally seems doable..right?  I did terribly.  You have to shoot fast and you can’t watch your shot – that makes it difficult.  And you also have to get the balls quickly.  I don’t think I made any lol.

Next game was the football one.  Throw the football into the star hole.  2 years ago when I asked the guy to show me if the ball fit – he threw a hissy fit.  Turns out at that time the ball didn’t really fit – you had to jam it in.  This time they showed me, it had about an inch or so around it.  J told me to aim for the higher one which was a good idea because previously I aimed for the middle one which is slightly low.  I aimed for the top left one – it looked “bigger”.  2 throws – $5.  They had my ball which made me very excited and more hopeful.  First throw was close but the second throw was even closer!! I think it got rejected by the star point.  I had to leave because I knew I wanted to play again because I was so close and there was the potential of throwing down a lot of money.

F tried her luck at trying to win another jersey playing basketball but it was difficult this time.  And the jersey she wanted was only at one basketball game so that was kind of lame that she couldn’t try at different places.  I think they had it at more basketball games last year.  J try to win the jersey for her.  The thing with this basketball game is that if you want the jersey you have to pay $5 for only 1 shot.  You can pay $5 for 3 shots but then you can only win a stuffed animal if you make it.  J’s first shot was really off – too high – too hard.  Later on he decided to warm up with the 3 shots and then go for the jersey after that.  What  happens next?  He makes the first shot….but he can’t win the jersey cause he paid for the 3 shots.  So he can only win a stuffed animal!!  lol lame.  F. tries her luck again – no cigar.

I play a dart game to try and win a huskie – basically paid $10 for it lol.

On our way out I wanted to play the football game again.  I felt like it was doable.  I was close.  I didn’t care about the prizes lol I just wanted to make it in the star.  So this time I picked to go for the top right since J asked which side I usually throw on – right side.  Made sense.  Should have thought of that before – I never throw left lol unless its to C on the 7.  First shot wasn’t as close as when I played earlier – it hit the right side of the star…ugh.  By this time more people had gathered around.  I was nervous.  I could feel my legs quivering.  I stepped pretty far back – I liked that distance better.  It would give the ball time to level out into a spiral.  I was getting ready to throw but people walking by were too close to me so I waited a moment.  Then I flip the ball a few times in my hand.  Bring it up.  Throw it.  BAM!  Bullet THROUGH THE STAR!!!!!  WHAT!?!??!? I MADE IT!! I DID IT!! I THREW IT IN THE STAR!!! lol.  I was so excited I jumped up and down.  I can’t believe I ACTUALLY did it.  Though I thought I could do it – I didn’t think I would actually do it!!  I won something – I didn’t even know what to pick cause I didn’t even really care for those prizes lol.  The only jersey that was my size was a Rivers Chargers jersey but it was all girly and ugly.  I got a Colts Luck one.  It’s oversized. Oh well.  Haha,  Yay!!  That was the most exciting thing – actually throwing it in.  :)

Finished the fair off looking at a few of the scam exhibits.

Waited 1.5 hours to get on the bus to go back to horse park.  Note to everyone – do not wait until the end – else you will have to wait FOREVER.

Oh yeah, I also really liked the theme this year – games.  It was cute and nostalgic and a good idea!  The exhibit was neat and a great way to make more money lol.

06.10.13
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Thoughts of Late

Worrying causes anxiety.  Worrying causes thoughts of impending doom.  However, it has been very difficult to not worry about this stupid bump on my neck.  I think about it all the time – throughout the day – when I’m in front of the mirror – when I feel that pressure.  I start feeling other symptoms that may or may not be there.  I start thinking about how maybe x, y, z is causing x, y, and z.

I don’t see the doc until Thursday and even then I doubt she will be able to diagnose anything without sending me to a specialist.

I’m trying not to think about it so much and just act and feel normal because it just worries me and makes me feel bad when I think about it.

I do actually remember something though…I remember that in high school, I had a similar bump on my neck and it also hurt.  That’s kind of how I found out about my thyroid problem.  That bump went away – I’m not sure how cause I think it wasn’t in the thyroid spot.

I’m keeping a close eye on other symptoms.  I getting weird paranoid thoughts that maybe the reason this is all happening is because of this little thing on my forearm that hasn’t healed for months – but really it might be because I’ve been picking at it.  Or maybe I think that my body is crumbling – thus all the injuries because something is wrong with me.  Today I felt like I was getting head pains on my right side.  Then I also start thinking about how my body is cracking a lot and maybe something is wrong with me that is causing all these problems.  Then I start thinking I have some type of cancer that is eating away at my body and that my life is about to turn completely upside down and then I start thinking of extremely depressing things.

I might be overreacting.  In fact, I really hope this is all just an overreaction.  I am very good at overreacting, exaggerating, and jumping to conclusions.  Maybe something plain and simple is wrong but is easily diagnosed and cured.  Maybe I’m just allergic to something and once we figure that out it’ll all go away.  This is me trying to be positive.

Bleh – can’t wait to figure this out soon enough and for the bump and swelling in the neck and pressure to go away.  :(