It’s been a whole month into the New Year and I finally have a moment to just sit here and do nothing and write. So much happened in 2010 I don’t even know where to begin. I think the theme of 2010 was SPEED and GROWTH. Growing in speed? Speedily Growing? I guess it doesn’t work that way. Haha. After looking at my outlook for 2010 from my 2009 post, I only achieved one goal which was getting a new car. Haha.

Somehow over the course of the year, I began to have less and less time to do anything. Life was definitely on speed. I became super busy all the time, nearly every day. Yet it still is difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what made me so busy. I think one of the things is work. It was the first year into my new job and the job definitely has me working longer hours, thinking a lot more, and stressing a lot too. I think stress contributes to the feeling of busyness. I’ve been attending conferences which I have to mingle with people. I have to manage people which is a whole challenge on it’s own.

Then there is all of Exodus. I had never attended a small group before. It all goes back to the fear I had of small groups and the talking and sharing. Before, the idea of small group instilled this fear in me – it seemed to be filled with so much pressure – sharing, praying, all the things I wasn’t a fan of doing – at least not with groups of people or people I didn’t really know. But I decided I’d check out Exodus and see what it was like. I’m always touting the Exodus core value of Freedom – you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Because of that, I was able to slowly warm up into things. I’m still working on it but it’s better. I really enjoy being around Exodus folks. It’s so fun and we’re so much like a family. Community is super important to me and Exodus has a great community. We hang out nearly every day and it’s super fun – I feel like we’re in college. Even as I continued to attend Exodus on Tuesday nights, I had for a long time never felt comfortable going to prayer and sharing nights. I purposely missed those nights. Then one day S. challenged me by telling me that “it wasn’t all about me, it was about everyone else.” That kind of hit me so I decided to go check it out. Uncomfortable, but I made it and have been going ever since. I’m still warming up to the idea of sharing because sometimes its still really hard and other times, I just don’t feel like it. But I’m beginning to see that it is nice to have a community of people you can just share all that’s going on (good or bad) and for people to pray for you. So, I’m appreciative of that.

I think I’ve also grown a lot spiritually in 2010. Through the various experiences, being in Exodus, being surrounded by people, I’ve really come to think about God, Jesus, and what it means to be a Christian. I’ve struggled with the idea that we live in a Christian bubble and it’s hard to bring people in. It’s hard to share about Christ, it’s hard to try to invite people to small group, it’s hard. It’s hard to even ask people what their background is. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I feel like it’ll be too much for people, it’s too foreign, it’s too intense. The last thing I would want is to scare off anyone. But it’s good to at least plant a seed and I think I was able to do it.

Football has been different this year too. I had to emerge as a “leader” and that is not something I had ever intended to be. I see myself as a follower, not a leader. But I guess God has really been prepping me through the past few years to eventually put me in this position. Who would have ever imagined that I’d be leading up the football team, leading people in prayer (oh my!), and everything else. I also know that I’m not the most motivational person out there so hopefully other people can motivate each other! Managing a football team is surprisingly a lot of work! And it’s hard when you’re trying to keep people happy. Football is stressful. Mission Bowl is a week away and I’m nervous as always. Yikes.

I bought a new car and I just moved too! Ok yeah that was random.

I joined an improve class – sort of. But I think the fact that I even considered and SHOWED up at an improve class says a lot. I was unable to get the nerve to go on stage but I did try the exercises. Anyone that knows me before would know that there is no way I would ever come near anything that involved standing up in front of anyone to say anything, much less act. So, I think it’s been good that I’ve been able to even be open to these ideas. Hey, God can do anything. ANYTHING.

I’ve made a lot of new friends in 2010 and got to learn a lot more about people and it’s been nice. I’ve also been able to stay connected with LA even though she’s in China. Good thing for this precious thing called the internet and SKYPEEEE. We were doing well talking on Skype about every 2 weeks or so.

I can’t think anymore. These things I’ve written about haven’t been too detailed. Oh well. I think the main theme really reflects on growth. I’ve turned from this super scared, super introverted person, to someone who is more outgoing, a little less fearful, and it’s been fun. A new me, if you will. Yet sometimes I still want to revert to my old self. I think I’ve been able to experience life differently which is nice.

Come to think of it, I think I nearly ate about every single meal in 2010. Almost. I’m never home and never have time to sit around anymore. Still need to work on having at least 1 night a week for myself where I can just stay at home and relax. But an invitation to go out and eat usually will pull me from my plans. So busy. Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, are usually completely booked. Something usually happens on one of those free nights during the week and then Saturdays usually come up with something too!!

As for the 2011 outlook, I think I’m optimistic and looking forward to it. Resolutions? Well, I never keep resolutions so I’m not going to make any. I’ll just put things I hope for this year. Hope to find someone. Lol. Hope to be successful at work. Hope to be less stressed. Continue to have fun, make new friends, strengthen current relationships, and find time to rest.

Cheers to 2011.

Gah, I still haven’t had time for my 2010 year in review post.  We’re nearly a month into 2011 already!  Geez.

So busy, so distracted, so much to do.

Seeking calmness.

Hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Time for new beginnings.

Here we go.

It’s almost time for that big new years post or rather end of the year post but I guess I kind of want to write about Christmas this year.  This year I really wished I had a lot of time off.  Normally, I don’t really care, but I think I’ve just been pretty burned out with everything I’ve been doing that I just wanted some time off.  I just want to do nothing, sleep in, hang out with friends and family, and just relax and not think about work, football, ultimate, anything.  But nope.

A few days ago I came down with what I can guess is the flu.  I haven’t felt so miserable in awhile.  It really is miserable.  It’s even more miserable when there’s no one taking care of you.  Feeling so helpless and so sick and really all you can do is lie there and feel horrible – it’s really sad.  One of the things I always think of when I feel sick or feel pain or see others sick or feel pain is that no one can feel that pain but you.  No one really knows how you feel – no one suffers with you.  And really there is no one that can help you.  I was thinking about C’s message from the other week about what we can bring to Jesus for His birthday.  And in all my sickness, all I could think of, here I am, here’s all I got, it’s not much, but its all for You.  And as I was lying in bed all weak, I was thinking, wow, only God knows my pain, and only He can help me right now.  For when I am weak, You are strong.

I was supposed to drive home on Friday morning and woke up feeling horrible.  I was in no shape to drive and as I laid there on the couch I just started crying because I was so sad.  I was thinking, wow, I don’t even know if I’m going to make it home for Christmas, how sad is that.  I was trying to think if anyone from LA could drive down and pick me up – but that’s so much to ask of someone.  Everyone else I could think of that might be going to LA, would have gone already.  So S convinced me to just sleep some more and see how I feel.  P offered to drive me up which was so nice of him, but at that point I had decided to just go for it.  I am very thankful for the Exodus family I have, everyone was so thoughtful in asking if I needed anything and was willing to bring me something over.  M. brought me some soup, water, and fruit, all the things I asked for the night before.  Thank you.  :)  I am so blessed to have the people at Exodus.  Where else can you find such great, caring people.

This Christmas was especially hard getting gifts for people.  In fact I didn’t even get anything for anyone, except my family, and LA.  Even then it was so hard.  I actually don’t like the whole gift giving thing – it feels too forced.  We have it all – and if we don’t have it, we sure as heck can buy it.  The gift giving slowed down a lot this year which was good – partially because no one had time to do anything!  Which I think turned out to be sort of good.  No one in my family even wrapped any gifts!  And it was great! :)  At least I thought so.  It showed that it wasn’t all crazy about that.  I just want to remember Jesus during Christmas and reflect on the gift He has given us already.  If only my whole fam would realize that.  That would be a great gift.

So, while I will be coming back with a few new items, I’m glad things weren’t crazy this year.  Just spend some time at home with the fam – being  sick and all but still being joyful.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  There really is no Christmas without You.  Thank you for sending Your Son on Earth to experience life as we do and to show us Your TRUE LOVE.  Thank you.

I’m not a fan of change.  When change is imposed upon you by someone or something you know, it’s different than when it is imposed upon you by someone or something you don’t know.  Familiarity keeps people sane – keeps people comfortable.  When things become less familiar – you begin to wonder whether you are the one that wandered astray or if your surroundings have moved.

The best way to survive is to adapt because if you don’t adapt, you get left behind.  Change or die!  You’ve heard of it, haven’t you?  The problem is that a very high percentage of people who hear this will never adapt.  Sad isn’t it.  So, we should indeed use extra effort to adapt.  Adapt to the new so that it will once again be familiar and then it will no longer matter whether you have changed or your surroundings.

//photo by ulfur

We should extend grace to others.  Extending grace is a very very very difficult thing to do.

We’ve been doing Lifemaps at Exodus on and off for the past month or so and it’s pretty interesting.  I’ve never done a Lifemap before.  What is it?  You kind of just go through your whole life and take note of significant people during each part of your life, significant spiritual events, times that you felt pain/sadness, and just other major events.  You do this from birth to the present and you mark your emotional state of mind throughout the years.  This exercise is a very interesting one because it really makes you think.  It kind of shows what you really remember and tries to pinpoint the significant things that happened to you.

I think this exercise is actually really good because seldom do we (if ever), do this type of exercise.  I usually like to do this type of thing at the beginning of each new year to reflect on the previous but doing this for your whole life is totally different.  I think it’s always good to reflect and see how things/people/events have changed/shaped who you were.  It also shows what type of things people hold on to.  How often it seems that people so easily hold on to painful events.  Perhaps they are much easier to remember because you have to work so hard to get through them.

A few people have shared so far about their lifemaps, although I missed the first session cause I was so late. But just hearing from what people talk about and thinking about my own lifemap, I’ve come to the conclusion that people have a lot of emotional baggage.  We carry a lot of this with us even though it may not be on the surface.  It’s definitely remembered.

I haven’t decided or not whether I want to share my lifemap.  I feel like I missed a lot of things on it, obviously because there are a LOT of things that happen in life!  But I think its still good for me to think about it.  And I definitely think that hearing each other’s lifemap helps us learn more about each other.  It’s pretty neat to hear about people’s lives and stories.

Tell me your story.

I feel like at Exodus, we talk a lot about pursuit.  Pursuing God, pursuing people.  Pursuit is a hard thing.  It’s hard because it needs to be intentional and it needs to be active.

Pursuing relationships with people…not the significant other kind but the friendship kind.

I have in the past couple of months or so started to get to know one of the girls at work more.  Through our conversations, I can’t help but feel like she is looking for something…for something more.  She’s not a Christian but she knows I am.  Sometimes the conversations we’ll have, she’ll just randomly ask me something related to religion.  Sometimes she talks about wanting to find other female friends just to have girl talk.  I don’t think she has anyone she is really close to.  At times I feel like she’s trying to find out more, yet at the same time she’s afraid.  Honestly, I’d be afraid too.

I don’t like mixing personal and professional life together but somehow it happens.  I’ve been trying to get her to come out to our church service.  I invited her to our exodus bbq which she actually came out to!  She was really hesitant about it….not knowing what to expect.  I know exactly how she feels….more on that some other time.

So I guess I can say I am somewhat on a pursuit.  I am pursuing a friendship with her.  To try to get to know her – to show her that we aren’t scary.  I don’t know her past experiences with people, church, or religion but I want her to feel comfortable and welcome.  I want her to be able to be free…because after all, that’s what is cool about exodus.  You are free to do what you want to do.  You want to come, then come.  You don’t, then don’t.  You want to say something, say it, you don’t, then don’t.  Sometimes she says, yeah church people are nice.  Yeah, church people are nice.  I want her to experience that.  I want her to experience the welcomeness, the freedom, and show her that we as a people, genuinely care about her.

So I pray and ask that you pray (if you read this) for her.  Pray that she will be open to new experiences (probably stuff far different than she’s used to), pray for her comfort and that she wouldn’t feel fearful.  Pray for us and me, that we would be openly welcoming, that we would be able to have wisdom to answer any questions she has, pray that she will come to meet a community that is legit, that cares, that she doesn’t have to worry or feel like we’ll judge her.  Pray that she would experience God in a big big way, that God would touch her heart in a way that only He can.  Thanks!

Apparently, one sentence posts are lame, so here’s a two sentence post.  J/k.  Here’s a real post.

Today I was having a conversation with someone about how to talk to people and I was giving the tips.  Yes, you read that correctly, I was telling someone how to talk to people.  It’s simple, really.  But how this all started took a long time to develop.  A long time.

I think in the past 8-12 months I somehow lost a part of myself transformed myself.  I think the old me would not ever…EVER…believe that the new me could exist.  Other than my own experiences verifying the change, I have received the comment from more than one person, “Who ARE You?!” based on actions I’ve done or things I’ve said.  “Who ARE You?!,” as in where is the person I used to know, you must be someone else because the real you would never do what you just did.

What’s different?  I think I lost a bit of the fear.  The fear of speaking, of being heard, of participating.  I must be honest to say that part of the old self is still there where the fear creeps up at times and I am back to my old reserved, shy, scared self.  But the new me is more outgoing, more outspoken, more bold and dare I say, more extroverted?  What?! How can that be?  I’m the anti-social one, the one who is scared to death of people, of talking to people, of getting to know people, of letting people get to know me.

How did this happen?  I’m not entirely sure but I have an idea.  Part of it was my own doing.  And a large part of it must be God’s doing because really, as you must all know, the old self could never handle or even imagine handling the new self.  Whether people know it or not, I sometimes throw myself out into uncomfortable situations to train myself to grow.  Forced into uncomfortable positions, you must learn to adapt or fail.  Going into uncomfortable positions enough times, you will learn to adapt and soon, it’ll be hard to imagine what was so difficult in the first place.  Of course I don’t do this ALL the time, but on occasion, it happens.  God plays a big part in this because He really allowed this change in me.  I really doubt there is anyway I would have just made a change like this.  Really, the old self was so so so fearful and to step from there to today is such a huge step that I don’t think I would have been able to reach it on my own.  He slowly put me in different situations that were basically tiny little steps to help me get to this point.  There has been so much growth especially if you read some of my old posts.

Back to the conversation I was having – this someone I was talking to was saying how they might be going to a dinner event but there would be a lot of people there that they didn’t know and that they weren’t comfortable with that – that it would be awkward.  And I exclaimed, “what?! it’s easy, this is how you talk to people…”  Let me tell you how to meet people.  You have a list of default questions that are basically conversation/get-to-know you questions.  You don’t need too many because usually new questions will open up.  Here they are: 1) Depending on the event you are at or who you are with, you can start off with, “How do you know so and so?” or “How did you hear about said event?”  2) “Where are you from?” or “Are you from said location?” 3) “What do you do?”  The goal here is to get people to talk about themselves.  It’s easier for people to answer questions about themselves.  Also, ask open ended questions, not yes-no answer-type questions.  I can lay out many examples of how conversations can continue from this but I’m not going to.  So, whenever I need to talk to new people, I ask those types of questions.  Anyway, these were the tips I gave and do you know what that person said to me?  “I didn’t know you were such a social advocate.”  Ha, that made me laugh a bit inside because either you forgot who I used to be or you never really knew because I never was before but now I am (more).

Other noticeable change that might surprise some people.  I am less scared to pray with people.  Read LESS SCARED, not completely fearless.  It depends on the situation and my mood.  But I have been known to pray for meals with a group of 5-8 people.  Yeah, crazy, I know.  Crazy indeed.  It really depends who is there, what it is about, and how I feel.  Because if I’m feeling good, comfortable with the people, and the topic, I’ve almost felt nothing.  It was, dare I say, easy?  Wow, I better not say too much before everyone starts asking me to pray for them.  Hehe.

I was also talking to a colleague about something and I mentioned that I was more introvert.  They didn’t know what that meant but after I explained it, they’re like, what?  No you’re not.  Hmmm, I guess it’s somewhat fading.

I gave a speech at the end of the tournament dinner.  Yeah, me.  I got up in front of the whole team including coaches and said a few words.  I still remember that a few days before the tourney day and we had carb load at my house, they wanted me to say something but I couldn’t do it.  Finally on the tournament day, though uncomfortable, I did it.  The process of growing to be a “leader” on the football team probably stemmed from God slowly making me comfortable within the team.  Strategically removing certain leaders for whatever reason it would be to have me step up.  It’s kinda crazy.

Lastly, which is more for a different post, I decided to challenge myself earlier this week by going with Exodus to hand out food to homeless people downtown and talk to them.  More on that later because that was a crazy eye opening experience but most of the time as you know, I would never do that.  I would just pass that night.

Things that haven’t changed, I’m still nervous about sharing nights at small group so I don’t go.  That is something to work on, but slowly I’ll get there.  Just need more time because evidently, people can change.

Do I like the new me?  I do.  But I wonder if losing part of the old me is a bad thing.  Am I different?  Is it a bad different?  Will the people who knew me then not like the new me?  It’s tough to say but for now I think it’s okay.

I like the new me.  It’s so much more freeing.  The old me was so trapped.  It was a person who wanted to do all these things and say all these things but was too afraid too.  I feel released.  Refreshed.

Something has happened the past 6-8 months that has seemingly made me a not so busy person to a very busy person.  The odd thing is, I’m don’t even think I am THAT busy but it sure feels like it!  I think it’s the new job, Exodus, and just hanging out with more people?  i don’t even know.  It’s so odd.  I feel so busy that I don’t have time to do anything.

What do I have to do?  Rest.  Just be at home and do nothing.  Chill.  Clean.  Update websites.  Do taxes.  Get my car an oil change.  Cook.  Play sports.  Sleep.  Chat.  Catch up with people.  Read emails.  Did I mention rest and sleep?  Rest.  Sleep.

I don’t know.  This is crazy.  I don’t even know what to blog about because life is seemingly non-stop.  I guess we’re never satisfied.  Or I’m never satisfied.  Complain when its stressful, complain when its boring, complain when its moving too fast, complain when its moving too slow.. Oh dear, what can you do but just be?

I have a secret fear and I feel this quite often…that I may have some serious health problem in which I am not aware of.  I feel like my body is deteriorating.  Maybe its old age…maybe its because I’m so out of shape and have been very inactive in the past 6 months to a year or so.  Probably the latter.

I’ve been feeling all this pain all over my body.  Especially my back, my shoulder, now my neck, and my arm.  I am pretty sure its just because I used to exercise often enough and now I don’t really do anything.  I know I have a gym membership but I really hate the gym.  I much rather play sports every night.  I think before I was playing basketball once a week, would sub for softball sometimes and then I would play Ultimate on Sundays.  Now…I was doing football for a few months but the amount of exercise there is nothing really compared to Ultimate.  I mean it gets tiring and all but I don’t run.

Ugh…need to get rid of the pain.  Need to exercise and play sports.