When it’s sunny and warm….
When it’s sunny but the air has a crisp feel to it….
When it’s sunny with a cool breeze…
When it’s like that…
When it’s nice outside…
…sometimes I just want to suddenly run really fast for a few seconds
…sometimes I just want to stand there with my arms out
…sometimes I just stop and stare up at the sky
…sometimes I just look around, in front and behind
…but most of the time, that’s when I feel God.
Right now I am really really itching to get a smartphone. I wouldn’t be surprised to see in a few years, everyone with a smartphone. Once, people lived without cell phones, today most of us can’t imagine living without one. Once, we lived without internet too, now we can’t either. Combining the two together, it won’t be long before everyone relies on this pieced together technology called the smartphone.
A lot of people I know are already glued to their laptops/computers/desktops but it isn’t really THAT they are addicted to, it’s the internet. People check their email constantly during the day. Refresh refresh. People are obsessed with facebook, twitter, and other social networks of the sort. Refresh refresh. We must know what is going on with everyone and everything immediately. Technology makes us impatient. We must also notify everyone what we are doing and what we are thinking about anything and anyone at any given moment.
The next phone I get will be a smartphone, no doubt about it. I’m willing to pay for that type of access. My eagerness stems from the fact that my coworker just purchased an iphone and she already had a smartphone and is thinking of selling it. I need to find out how much it costs to upgrade. The other alternative is to wait until my contract ends which is not until june or august which right now, seems like a long time away.
Another device to be tied down to – our lives our wired – we’ll have access to “the world”, to our friends, to our families, and even to work. Soon enough we won’t be able to let go, we’re already really close to that point.
Ah, I think I’m behind on my reflections for 2009 as well as my outlook on 2010. I always like to begin by refreshing my memory of what I wrote last year to see what’s different about this year. Also, after reading KK’s family letter about all the things they did throughout the year, I realized that I also really like that format so I might throw a little bit of that in too. So, expect this to be very jumbled. ?
Last year I wrote this about my goals and outlook for 2009: “With all that said it’s time to look forward to 2009, where I hope to accomplish several things in no particular order: Start working out on a regular basis and eat better. Finish redesigning CBC’s website and start designing my own. Find myself a nice guy and a new direction in my career. Take home the football championship. Learn to really play the guitar.”
Which of those things did I accomplish? Finished redesigning CBC’s website and began designing my own, took on a new direction with my career, and took home the football championship (sort of). And, I guess I pretty much failed at the rest…haha.
2009…what can I say? It was for the most part extremely stressful and tough but ended up okay. Here it goes in no particular order…
I think I really learned to rely on God and to really seek Him. It was about letting Him take control and lead instead of me trying to control everything. There were extremely long periods of intense stress, desperation, and cries for help, for something, anything. It was everyday, it was all throughout the day. I was in a place that I didn’t want to be in, I was in a place that was seriously making me depressed and extremely stressed out. I was so desperate I was willing to do unreasonable things to get out. I was trying to get out but couldn’t find an out. I would get glimmers of hope but would be shut down. I really had to learn to trust on God and His timing. It really showed me how much I needed God and I wonder if that was His way of showing that to me too.
Finally, I got the open door. It took a long time but when it happened it happened so quick. It happened so quick that it was unreal. Unreal. It was like I opened my eyes and boom, it was a whole new world. Sometimes when I’m getting stressed out now, I really have to remind myself of what a blessing this is. This is a step in the right direction. It’s challenging, stressful, and tough at times, but it’s a better place to be in. And that I am thankful for.
Another thing was that my best friend had made the decision to move to China, though she was only gone for a few months initially, everything that had led up to that made me very very sad. I guess when you hang out and live with someone for so many years, you just don’t ever think about them not being around anymore. It took some time to get used to but I think God definitely blessed me with friendships all over so that I wouldn’t be lonely.
I got to go on vacation with my family. I am usually hesitant because I don’t like traveling, especially when it’s international. But it was definitely an experience to travel in China and Malaysia. Definitely a different experience and not an opportunity that everyone gets. It was also a good time of bonding. We had tons of laughs and great pictures. It’s difficult for our whole family to travel together these days because of everyone’s work schedule and my brother’s school schedule but being able to just spend those 2 weeks together was good.
I mean, I guess that’s pretty much it. Much of the year was spent finding that open door and trying to survive where I was at. After that, things got better. Now what I need to do is to continue to seek God with as much passion and desire as I did when I was crying for help. To learn to call out to Him when things are going well or aren’t extremely bad.
The outlook for 2010 is good. I want it to be a good year, a great year. I want it to be filled with adventures and new beginnings. I want it to be filled with happiness. The goals for 2010 are to eat better and lose some weight, yeah I know, isn’t that everyone’s goal every year? Yes. But I want to be back at the weight I was 3 years ago so that is the goal. Also, to be less stressed and to be happier. To live life and not let things get to me. To get myself off the singles list. To maybe get a new car? To reorganize my computer files…haha. To get dual monitors set up. To learn how to use my camera. To spend more time keeping in touch with old friends. And of course, to seek God more.
Here’s to an outstanding 2010!
Cause I’m halfway gone, I’m halfway gone
You got one foot out the door
And choking on the other
Always think theres something more
Its just around the corner
//halfway gone – lifehouse
My quality of life is low. I think stress brings tiredness and tiredness brings old age. Or maybe stress just brings old age. I feel so unhealthy and I’m sure I look it too. I’m always tired and always stressing.
I don’t think this is what I imagined it to be like. I’m like a young person living an old person’s life.
Gah. How to increase the quality of life and still feel accomplished?
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. Psalm 118:1
I realize that this verse can be found all over Psalms and other parts of the Bible too. On my drive up to LA, I was thinking about what I was thankful for. And I’ve often thought about it and it always brings me back to the friendships I have now down in SD and the church family I have there. I’ve probably written about this before but it really means a lot to me.
When I think back to life in SD a few years ago, that was when most of the core of my friends had started to leave. Friends, having community, is a really really big deal to me. I need to have these people around me. The people that I can hang out with, talk to, and care about, etc. As I slowly saw my friends move away, I was really sad. Sometimes I’d even feel super distraught. I mean it used to be a group of people and slowly the group chipped away – from maybe 6 or 7 down to 3 and then to 2. And I felt really sad, the amount of people to hang out with just kind of disappeared.
But then I found CBC, joined the football team, got involved, and now have a great group of friends that I am so thankful for. I love hanging out with these people. I love spontaneous dinners and boba runs. Late night chats. I love it.
The more I look back at the last few months and years, the more I realize how wonderfully God had things planned. As my college friends started to move away, I slowly began to find more new friends at CBC. Even at the beginning of CBC, I never really hung out with people. But I started to get to know more about people and eventually become friends which really prepped me when I found out my best friend was going to move to China. Then, A. who I had become really good friends with, had to move away a few months ago too. I hung out with her a lot and was pretty sad when she moved. But then I started to hang out more with K. D. A. G. E. S. and so on and so forth. So as sad as I am with good friends that have moved afar, I am grateful that I can still talk with them and still have a really great group of people to hang out with. I am more thankful for my friends than I can probably ever express verbally.
So this thanksgiving, I’m thankful that God has put these people in my life. Thank you God. God is good. :)
I feel so busy. Perhaps I am busy. I must be. I haven’t had enough time to just…rest. To just be home, do my own thing, and rest. Tonight has been close to being a time of rest. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to catch up with old friends, to chat, to talk on the phone, or anything. In fact, many nights I barely even have time to go on the computer. I’ll get home past bed time, quickly turn on the computer to check my email and facebook and just shut it down, go to sleep.
It’s pretty lame that I don’t even have time to catch up and keep in touch with people. My friend J and I have been trying to find a time to just talk to each other on the phone and the most we got recently was 15 minutes or so. We had tried so many times but one of us just ended up busy. Before, we used to talk at least once a week if not more. Now it’s turned into months at a time and we don’t even know what is going on in each other lives.
Sometimes, I just need to rest. I think AT LEAST 2 nights during the week need to be used for rest. Not only just so I can do my own thing but so that I can rest.
I will be sleeping early tonight.
Ah, you know that list of things people want to do in their lifetime. Well this is sort of like that but not to that extent. These are just some things I like or want to do and just really haven’t had time or the resources to do. The two on the listed related towards food is really something that is in the back of my mind. I think it would be fun but the likelihood of me ever doing that is not very high at least not during this point in life.
Hmm, I’m having a brain fart. This list was a lot longer when I was thinking about it earlier.
Image courtesy of angelamaphone
edit//argh this thing won’t align correctly! oh well.
i feel like I miss something but I’m not sure what. Weird feeling indeed.
Feeling a little burned out lately.
Can’t seem to focus my mind on things either.
Wants to do a lot of things but is losing energy.
I’m beginning to see that practicing things does make things seem easier. Or maybe I’m fooling myself by crediting practice. Perhaps it’s not even that I am finding things easier, I’m just finding things to not be as bad as they used to be. Then again, that does not mean it’s still not scary or that it doesn’t phase me. Or maybe it is really just that I am scared but I don’t have enough time to react. It’s also somewhat amusing that from the past few sentences, I seemingly am scared to just say it.
Anyway, what is this all about? Public speaking, talking to people, small group praying… I was having a conversation the other day with someone and I realized that there are other people out there like me – those who don’t particularly like social events, talking in groups, meeting with random people, etc. And as I talked to this person and listened to them, I totally could relate. The weird thing was that I realized I’m no longer in that super duper scared stage. While I am still uncomfortable and scared a lot of the times, it’s really not as bad as it used to be. I mean, I still don’t like it, but I haven’t had the crazy side effects that I normally do.
On Sunday, I went to the canto service with K who brought 3 freshies from UCSD. As usual when there are new people at church, they like to introduce them or have them introduce themselves to everyone. I always always dreaded that at church and luckily I have gotten away with never having to do that at the English congregation. However, this canto service was a different story. Before service, they had taken down the names of the 3 freshies and so they had asked them to stand up and introduce themselves on the mic. Then the pastor asked if someone brought them there today and they pointed to K. K got up to introduce herself on the mic. AND THEN…the pastor goes, “and who’s that sitting next to you?” Shoot. That’s me. Crap. Now I have to stand up and introduce myself on a MICROPHONE IN CANTO. =O As I stood up, I immediately felt this rush of heat go to my head/face. I introduced myself quickly. Aside from the crazy heat, I didn’t experience any other craziness. I think its because it happened so quickly. I didn’t have time to dwell on it and wait in anticipation for it to happen.
Then that night we went to dinner at souplantation. I always fear the moment that we are sitting around in silence, not eating, waiting for someone to pray. It makes me soo uncomfortable. I’m always scared that someone will ask me to pray and no I don’t want to. But sure enough, as we sat around and stared at each other, one person put their finger on their nose. I was confused at first since this was probably the first or second time I’ve seen people do that. Then, I realized that it was a way of saying “not it”, so I did it too. I don’t think I was the last person because I clearly saw others do it after me, but they were saying I was last. So I guess I was “it”. I hesitated for a moment, but decided not to try to pass it off or reveal my fear or discomfort, I was thinking in my head, “here we go”. So I said, “ok, ok, let’s pray.” And so I did it, I always feel kind of weird because I think that I won’t have a good prayer, or it’ll be too short or whatever. But, I’m starting to realize that most people’s meal prayers are pretty similar anyway.
So another two accomplishments (hey, I think they’re accomplishments). But still, its uncomfortable, but its getting slightly better.