I’m scared that something is seriously wrong with me. It’s been a little over a month and the bump on my neck is still there. Not only that but I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure in the neck/throat area.. It’s like a constant pressure of a shirt collar too tight or someone lightly gripping your throat. I can feel that my thyroid is pretty enlarged. I was thinking that maybe it’s my thyroid acting up – after all, that is one of the systems. I kept waiting for the pressure to go away. It hasn’t. I just got lab work done for my thyroid – everything is still in range. They want me to lessen the meds even more – they’ve been trying to take me off it. But something doesn’t feel right. I’m not sick anymore so if the lymph nodes were fighting infection – they should be done and it should shrink. The bump on the side is there. Does it hurt? It doesn’t hurt per se but it has a dull sensation. Then I started noticing the way my neck looked in some recent pictures and how it looked like there was a slight bump or enlargement on the right side. So I look at my neck and sure enough – the right front side is slightly larger than the left side. Now that is making me even more worried. Perhaps the cause of the pressure. I’m really so paranoid right now. I’m starting to think about whether I have additional symptoms. Or I’m thinking that stuff which may not be actual symptoms might have something to do with it. For example, this scab on my arm that won’t seem to heal. But it could be because I’ve been picking at it – I have picky fingers. I kept reopening it. It’s been there for months. Or that my eyes have been really irritated lately. I thought it was swimming. Maybe its my contacts. Maybe it was getting them sunburned last weekend. It still is irritating. I’m searching for other symptoms – fatigue? I think I’ve been mostly okay. The doc did tell me I was anemic randomly and to take iron pills. That’s weird – how can I be anemic. I eat a lot of red meat. So that concerns me. I just want to feel okay – feel normal – be healthy. Worrying doesn’t do anything. True but i don’t know how to not worry. It’s really bothering me. Google is unfriendly – nearly every type of search is pulling up stuff about cancer. That really scares me. That, I think would be the worse thing ever. That is really what is in the back of my mind every day. I try to get my mind off of it and not think about it but with the constant pressure in my throat/neck – I can’t not think about it. Geez, what if I have cancer… Maybe I’m overreacting – I’m really good at that and I’m really good at exaggerating and having wild thoughts and jump to conclusion thoughts and paranoia. Maybe it’s nothing. I’m going to the doc again next week. I’m assuming she’ll just send me to a specialist so I’ll have to wait longer. I hope there’s nothing seriously wrong with me. I hope whatever it is, they can cure and fix quickly. I hope I don’t have cancer. I realize that none of this is in my control. None of it. I need to really focus on God and know that He is in control. If you read this, please pray for me. Pray for healing for my body. Pray for nothing serious. Pray that they will find out what is wrong and fix it quickly. Pray for peace of mind – I’m really stressed by this. Thanks.
Category Archives: Life
Seattle
Seattle was a lot of fun! :)
Ate a ton of really good food and had really great company.
Some of the things we did and ate:
Portage Bay Cafe – Delicious breakfast with an awesome fruit bar for pancakes/waffles
Gas Works Park – saw a bunch of remnants of a coal gasification plant – had nice views of the city
Kerry Park – beautiful view of the city with some seemingly advanced playground for kids – some weird things we had never seen before but were pretty neat! Not your typical playground!
Top Pot Doughnuts
Ballard Locks – watched the boats go through – pretty neat
Milstead Coffee – latte
Trident Seafood – salmon wrap
Paseo – the most delicious cuban roast sandwich…best meal of the trip!!!!
Underground Tour of Seattle – lots of talking but still pretty neat
Seattle Space Needle
Lunch on Top of the Space Needle – so nice :)
Olympic Sculpture Park – great for sunsets though we didn’t catch one
Serious Biscuit – ridiculous biscuits for breakfast!
Kingfish Cafe – gumbo was so good, so were the wings, and fried chicken!!
Fremont Troll / Lenin Statue / Rocket Ship / Random Statues
Pike’s Place – saw fish throwing, tons of little shops, lots of people
First Starbucks
Flagship REI store
Pirosky Pirosky – meat pies – sooo freaking good!
Sweet Iron – fancy waffles for breakfast
Wonder if I’m missing anything…
Was super fun to wander around the city too.
Nice to catch up with old friends.
Had great company :)
It was a grand ole time!
Remember
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land
Psalm 143:3-6
Remembering that God carries through every time. The enemy is strong but God is much stronger and He will prevail.
Firsts
First silence & solitude retreat. First Team United practice of the season. It was a pretty good day.
Bleh.
My injuries make me sad. I was looking for a birthday card at Target earlier today and was trying to look at the cards on the bottom of the shelf so I had to squat down. You know, squat down still on your toes (not asian squat). I guess I lost a bunch of mobility in my ankle because my ankle does not allow me to put my foot all the way down as it should. It’s like so tight that it’s stuck and then it hurts. I was trying to force it so it would be normal but it’s like it was not ever happening. Freaking A dude. =(
I was thinking…wow, is this what it has come to? Am I never going to be able to play or run again? Really? Lost mobility in the ankle? That sucks. Jacked RIGHT knee which was not the original injury. That sucks. Jacked left knee. That sucks. Well everything is just breaking down. I feel like I’m super old or something. Maybe I need some joint juice…I saw some at Target.
Bleh, walking around made me feel sad. Emo. =\
Broken
My whole body is freaking broken. fml.
My left knee hasn’t healed. My right knee started to hurt for some reason in the past two weeks. Hurt quite a bit. It hurts at all times now. Especially when I bend it and when I touch it. I can actually identify the pain area pretty clearly though. I wonder if it’s because I over stretched the other week. I never stretch and I stretched a lot that day. Now my right knee which was FINE is popping when it bends. It didn’t used to do that, I know for sure. Now it just hurts on the inside. Both of my knees hurt when I sleep and shift positions. I always wake up several times in the middle of the night in pain.
I went to the PT today. He actually did different things. I suspect that he did that only because he had an intern there. He worked on my hip flexor, my lower back, and my hamstrings. All were super tight and it freaking hurt when he pressed/massaged those areas. Gave me one new exercise. Told me to call him in a week and tell him how I feel.
I’m getting tired of this. I’m also getting antsy and really discouraged.
Football starts in a week. I’m not really in any physical shape to be playing football. After all, isn’t the lack of stopping how I got myself in this predicament in the first place. I’ve decided I might not play but I have not fully committed to that yet. I’m going to see another doctor next week to see what he says. To see if he can do anything to make me better. After all, feeling pain all the time isn’t good. Playing is just going to aggravate it. Freaking A. This sucks. Thinking about not playing makes me sad. It actually kind of makes me want to cry although that could be because I’m PMSing. And I’m being really emo about it right now. But I LOVE playing football. I love this team. UGH.
We’ll see what this doc says…and then…I’ll decide. @#$%
I think my whole body must be misaligned. How can everything just break? Even my back and stuff started cracking when I get up out of my chair now. Something must be wrong.
=(
2.5 Weeks
Got about 2.5 weeks to be ready. Gah.
Induce Pain
I finally have my appointment with the sports doc tomorrow. I really am hoping and praying that it is productive. My knee has felt a lot better lately compared to a month or two ago. However, it isn’t fully healed yet. I can go downstairs now without pain but it grinds and it grinds loudly. I’ve lost much of my quad muscles so I can’t even lower myself down far down each step so I still pound my right ankle down. The ankle is on and off. Some days it bothers me a lot, other days not so much.
I tried to jog on Sunday and still found myself considerably favoring my right leg (strong knee, broke ankle). I also discovered how weak my left leg has gotten from the lack of use.
Since much of my pain (frequency and intensity) has changed over the past almost 4 months, it was suggested to me that perhaps I should try to use my legs like normal and see what type of pain would be induced. That sounded somewhat like a good idea. After all, it’s not going to help the doctor if I can’t locate the pain when he’s looking at my injuries. So I went on the elliptical for 20 minutes. 20 short minutes yet it felt forever. Right away my knee started clicking with every “step”. Eventually it stopped. I was so tired from 20 min of elliptical. Man, lack of exercise definitely sets you back so much. I did a few squats and a bunch of leg lifts. Induce pain. Success. My ankle is achy and so is my knee.
I think I get to to take xrays tomorrow. I’d rather get an MRI. Nevertheless, I hope I come out satisfied and with a solution. Football season is coming up and I also miss running and playing basketball.
Today is one of those days. One of those beach days. Go on a walk. Spend some time alone and with God. I hate how it’s dark out after work. :(
Self Preservation
Today I felt like throwing it all out the window. All this..resting business.
Work’s having this awesome obstacle challenge course being built in the parking lot in a couple of weeks and it’s free for employees and friends to participate. It looks like so much freaking fun and I want to participate so bad. So add that up to 3 events, 3 FUN events lined up in the coming weeks that I would normally be participating in but can’t because of my stupid injuries.
I’m so close to saying screw it and just participate because I probably could – it’ll just hurt. I guess that’s what I had done for about 3 months before it got so bad that I couldn’t anymore. But man, short term gratification seems so much more enticing than long term gratification sometimes.
The sports med people called and booked an appointment for me for xrays and a visit but the next one available isn’t even until more than a month out. That’s the middle of November, which is too close to January, which is too close for my comfort zone. AND the doc only put in a referral to have my right ankle checked and not my knee. HELLO?! I’m pretty sure nothing is wrong with the bones in my ankle, if there is a bone issue, it’s going to be the knee! The lady is like, yeah they won’t look at the knee since she just put ankle. UH, FAIL!!! So she said she would talk to the doc about the knee. Sheesh.
I need to try really hard to self preserve but I’m close to giving up. I almost wanted to cry. I know. Excessive and dramatic but I think injury or rather inability to do things you love doing makes you a little depressed, add on pmsing, and rainy weather and you got one messed up person. =P