I’m still trying to figure it all out.  As the last days approach, it’s still difficult.  I feel like I just continue to be ripped apart – that I can’t be freed without being torn to shreds, without being brought down in anyway they can.

I’m trying to remember what L. told me awhile back – that God will protect His people – that nothing is going to crumble until I’m out.

I’m just struggling to hold on right now.  They will take anything they can from me and wear me thin up until the very last minute.

It never ceases to get crazier, to get worse – to cease.  Never.

Because they can’t stand the sight of someone being happy or successful.  They can’t possibly understand someone else’s perspective.  They can’t understand the need to defend your own people.

I am so tired.  I just want it to end.  The countdown has begun – so close yet so far away.

Please God, just help me last, help me have no fears, help me triumph over them, let it be in my favor, let Your glory shine, help me send a message, Your message, be with me every single second in my actions and words, let me conquer those fighting against me, let me be courageous, let Your power take over, overcome, show them what they’re doing and what they’ve done, help them make realizations, help them change.

—

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defense,
I’m looking, God, I’m looking for you
Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I’m longing, God I’m longing for you

But I will find you in the place I’m in, find you when I’m at my end,
Find you when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you’ll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I’ll find you on my knees.

-Kari Jobe

Man, I’ve been unhappy for a long time and this can clearly be seen in all of my posts in the past year or so.  It’s almost over.  I’m so close.  Just need to get through this week and next week will be easy peasy.  This week will be very busy.  Oh well.  Need to grind it out and whatever’s done is done and whatever isn’t isn’t.  Ha, that’s just like using the phrase, “it is what it is” (by the way, I highly dislike that completely useless meaningless phrase.)

It’s definitely been a journey.  A journey of wrestling with God.

It won’t be long before I’m gone.  It won’t be long.  Let’s grind it out and make it through.

God is bigger than you and He’s got my back.

Totally encouraged this morning by a note..err..paper left by F.  I would post a picture but my phone is failing.   Lol.

A printed picture of the girl from BRAVE.  Sticky note pointing to her:  This is you with poofy red hair (and a bow).  Sticky Note pointing to the word BRAVE:  Today you will be “BRAVE”.

Have Faith, you’ll be fine.  :)

Aww, I was so touched..seriously.  :)

//edit:  pic here

It’s been a freaking roller coaster ride.  The journey’s been wild.  Emotions high and emotions low.

I’ve made it this far.  Only a short bit left to go.

Watching God orchestrate this is neat.  I have little faith.  I worry like no other – I worry to the extreme.  I constantly seek affirmation on a play by play level.  I’m still afraid.  Still.  It’s actually ridiculous.  I shouldn’t.

The end is in sight – the hand is reaching down at the end of the lit tunnel.  I’ve grabbed onto it and am being pulled out.  It’s a long way out but I’m beginning to get pulled out.

It’s been so long that I’m afraid of the outside.  I’m afraid of leaving.  Afraid of reactions, consequences…

Sounds like a victim of domestic violence…abusive relationships…holding on…

Today ended up set up well by God – sequence of events.  Amazing.

Now we just wait.

Need to be strong, be courageous, and triumphant.

Need to know that God is with me and He is powerful, He is a protector, He is a shield..

Need to continue to TRUST in HIM because He will carry me through.  He’s brought me this far.  He won’t leave me.

Need to ride it out.  Ride it out.

Look at the positive.  Look at the light.  Hold on to things that matter – hold on to God who is reliable – unlike everyone / everything else.

Praise God for His blessings and for answered prayers.  :)

My mind is lost and twisted to the point where what should be celebration has been overpowered by fear.  I guess that’s what years of “captivity” and “brain-washing” does to you.

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

We are so close.  So close.

Here we go.  Here we go.

Biggest San Diego fireworks fail ever.  Good thing we didn’t go down to watch the big bay boom.  They fired off all 18 minutes of their show all at once!  FAIL.

Instead, F and I went to Hilltop and saw 6 or so fireworks shows all at once.  They were far away but it was still pretty cool.  It was also not super crowded – we got there at the right time.  It did end up getting a lot more crowded.

Hung out at B’s for BBQ during the day – that chicken was good!  So were the potatoes and guac!

It has also been nice to have a break in the middle of the week.  Tomorrow is Friday!  Hurrah.

My knee is broken.  :(

It needs to fix itself asap.  I should have rested it a long time ago but I couldn’t resist.  Now it’s NG.  But I have to rest it now since I have a 5K in a few weeks and a half in 2 months.

It sucks to not be able to run.

I get to sit around, ice, and do leg lifts.

Maybe it’ll be fixed by Saturday.

I’m in limbo.  It almost feels like it isn’t real.  It’s close, but really so so far away.  :(

It’s beginning to crumble, yes it is.  Here it comes, crashing down.

Need to be rescued before the fall.  Need to be rescued now.

• Glad it’s a short week – July 4th
• Hills I need to conquer – Goat Hill, Bonus Hill, and La Jolla Farms Hill.  (Definition of Conquer:  run up to the top without stopping)
• Just signed up for another half marathon in September – what am I thinking?  Hey, it was $20!
• Left knee has been hurting from running – so not good.  :(
• Right ankle still never healed – still hurts.  :(
• Still in the waiting game – still waiting.  Can’t wait.
• Really need to figure out how to run faster.
• Should cook more at home.
• Built my clothing shelf with F’s help.  It’s great!! :)

I think God wants me to be patient.  It’s so hard right now.  Alright, I’ll move when you’re ready for me to move.

—

On another note, my goal is to one day be able to keep up with C. when I run with her.  One day.