Category Archives: Life

04.05.12
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Crashing

My mental health is being sucked down the drain at a rate faster than I can handle.  This is insane.  Insane.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m really close to making a very big decision – a decision I never thought I’d make.   I don’t know if it is wise or unwise.  Maybe it is wise.

Maybe I should.  Maybe this is God’s way of telling me to trust Him.

I was so frustrated and distraught today.  I was driving to the beach and just said outloud, “are You here?” – then broke down.

I’m trying to trust and I’m trying to wait on God and it seems to just get harder and harder.

I don’t know what to do…

04.04.12
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Thoughts of Late

  • I’m really bad at praying in groups.
  • New PR at the lake yesterday – 44:45 – I didn’t think it was possible to go faster.  It really helps when hydrated.
  • I lost $ at Vegas – I wanted to stay longer to win it back.  I can see how gambling can be addicting.
  • Still need to unpack a bunch at the house.
  • And still waiting for God’s perfect timing
03.26.12
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I Have Issues

..with trust.

I’m slow to trust and quick to doubt.  Are those opposites?

I find that I often don’t trust people and I often struggle with trusting God.  I’m very selective about what stuff I tell people and who I tell them to.  I find that I am once again in a place where I really need to trust and believe in God’s plan for me.  Sometimes I find myself too scared to do anything.  Yes, I know I am scaredy cat and I know that being so scared that you don’t take action is really really bad.  So I work on it and usually I can move forward with a bit of self-motivation and nudging from others.  Sometimes it takes a lot to get me to move forward but I will eventually as a part of improving myself.

This time, I’ve done something, although nothing big, I’m really hoping on it.  I also often get ahead of myself.  My mind gets consumed with things that have not yet happened along with the uncertainty of whether they will even happen or not.  I guess it’s wishful thinking.  Perhaps that if I get to point B, this is how I play it out in my head.

As a part of learning to trust God, which I’m really learning to do, I realize that while I have certain ideas in my mind and certain desires, that what I want may not be the best for me.  Yeah, I have a glimmer of hope – a glimmer…if even that.  And I’m riding on that right now.  But I don’t want it if that’s not where God wants to take me.  And sure I still have prayers and hopes of what I’m looking for and I will continue to pray boldly for change – change for the better.

I even pray for giants to tumble.  Is that bad?  I was inspired by Jaeson Ma’s post, “Focus on your giants and you will stumble. Focus on God and your giants will tumble.”  Giving up my giant to God and really focusing on God.

Learning to trust over and over again.  Because if I really trusted, I would leap out in faith and not worry about a single thing.  Still learning.  Slowly.

03.16.12
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Blessings

I really ought to be in bed already since I’m going running with YM in the morning but I really wanted to get my thoughts down before they got too far away from me.

This week has passed by rather quickly.  My birthday was on Tuesday.  I remember the days leading up to it that I just felt so stressed out about so many things in life.  I was so bogged down and stressed especially about one particular thing.  And as I ranted and ranted on Monday night, I was really just praying for a good day on Tuesday since it was my birthday.

Some days are like war – always trying to dodge bullets – always trying to defend.  We were going to be up against something big on Tuesday and we were trying to prepare ourselves.  We prepared and prepared with the thought in the back of our minds that we were going to be burned alive.  We needed to be prepared as much as possible – embrace for impact.  We went into it and came out of it unscathed.  Amazing.  We both could not believe it.  For the rest of the day, we talked about it and still could not believe it.  Thank God for keeping me sane on my birthday.

That night Exodus went to laser tag – it was a lot of fun.

I went out to celebrate with some friends on Saturday night.  It was a lot of fun.  The birthday song at Love Boat Sushi was quite amusing.

I got to thinking…

I’m so blessed with the friends and family I have.  I’m so blessed to have the Exodus community.  With all the crazy stress in my life, probably a lot of which I set on myself, I always have a listening ear.  People are always encouraging me and just lifting me up.  :)

With all the crazy that goes on – I’m so glad that God gave me these friends to just be there for me.

I had a great weekend and birthday (minus the part where I lost the bed making challenge).  Thanks friends for loving me and supporting me and listening to me complain all the time.  :)

03.12.12
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Boring Title Here

I have a headache.  I got too riled up talking about some things that have been really bothering me and making my life really lame.

Tomorrow’s my birthday too.  Please let it be a good day.

Thanks.

02.23.12
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Restless

A lot has been on my mind lately – kind of whirlwind-ish.

Spinning.  Spinning.

I have a headache.  Not a physical pain one – a mental pain one?  Does that even make sense?

There’s a lot to be praying for in many aspects of my life and in other people’s lives.  There’s a lot I’m thinking about.  There are a lot of things going on.

My mind is tired.