I wish people wouldn’t loop me into their mess. Ugh. Run away…
Category Archives: Rants
Racing and racing as fast as you can
Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
Well the thyroid is so jacked right now. Resting heart rate of 120. I feel like I might soon find myself in the hospital. They increased my dosage by six times its previous amount. I wonder what they’re going to do. Probably kill the thyroid.
He said to just keep an eye on the lymph node. He really thinks it’s benign. If it changes then he’d be concern.
He says I have chronically inflamed tonsils. Only cure to that is to remove them but he didn’t advise that.
Bleh. Trying to stay positive is difficult with this flurry of health problems.
I also got rejected from donating blood today. That sucked.
It’s All Internal
It’s kind of strange that pain, emotions, and illness are all things that only the person experiencing it can truly understand, feel, and suffer through. While others may be sympathetic, it’s still rough to fight the battle. While you may try to explain to other people what is happening, it’s still your battle.
I lost about 6lbs suddenly. When I tell people this, I’m telling them out of a concern for myself that this is not normal. The 6lbs lost are not 6lbs of fat loss, it’s 6lbs of lean muscles lost. Hyperthyroidism attacks your muscles, not your fat. Almost at an instance, people often tell me how lucky I am and how they wish they could lose weight while doing nothing or how difficult it is for them to lose weight. Newsflash – it freaking sucks. Replace freaking with the f-bomb.
Do you know what it feels like to suddenly feel all weak where lifting your arms up and lifting small items up is difficult and tiring? It not only feels terrible physically, it feels terrible emotionally. It makes you feel a little helpless that seemingly overnight or over a few days, you can become so weak.
I tried to lift up the 5 gallon water bottle last night to flip it onto the water cooler. I’ve never really had trouble lifting that before. It felt so heavy, I actually wasn’t sure if I could successfully flip it. I felt like I could barely hold it which is vastly different from being able to lug one of those around at least to and from the car. I still went for the flip because I didn’t want to feel helpless. It was heavy and difficult but I only made a slight mess. Now I need to work my muscles back up once I start feeling better.
I feel a little better. Much better than last week at least but still not 100%. It’ll take awhile for the meds to kick in. Last time it got so bad I couldn’t even squeeze my shampoo bottle. Serious. Imagine how that feels. Freaking A.
I hate dealing with all these heath issues. Still need to find out what’s going on with the node that is still there. -_- Jacked thyroid. Jacked Knee. Irritated Eyes (might have to do with the thyroid). Ugh.
Knee Pain Sucks
Last weekend was the La Jolla Half Marathon. I ran that a year ago. It’s hard for me to believe. It’s hard for me to believe or accept that I was able to run 13.1 miles a year a go and now I can’t do too much without feeling pain. It’s a lot better than say…back in May/June/July of last year but lately or just this week, it has kind of been flaring up. I’m finally getting that “movie theatre syndrome’ where it actually hurts when I get up from prolonged sitting. This mostly happens at work whenever I get up to use the rest room, my knee just bothers me.
Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome – I’ve repeatedly read about it online. I still don’t understand it. I’ve played sports for most most of my life and was super active, how can my quad muscles suddenly just be so pathetic they can’t support my knee anymore? I’m thinking more and more it must have been the LJ Half downhill that jacked it cause I do remember a very intense pain in the knee going down that hill. I can’t remember if I had specific knee pain when running prior to the half. Or perhaps it really is the increased mileage but still…does that just break your knee?
I’ve been doing more of the quad strengthening exercises but I’m not sure if that’s helping or making it worse. I’ve also been trying to understand how the leg works. If my pain is on the inside of my knee, then that would seem like the inside quad muscle would be pulling it too much, thus rubbing against the right side which is hurting. However, PFPS is normally due to a weak inside quad muscle so maybe it doesn’t pull that way. Maybe it’s the lack of flexibility I have too, though the last time I stretched a lot, I ended up jacking my other knee. Too much perhaps.
Bleh, I just want to be normal and jump and run around like normal.
Bleh.
My injuries make me sad. I was looking for a birthday card at Target earlier today and was trying to look at the cards on the bottom of the shelf so I had to squat down. You know, squat down still on your toes (not asian squat). I guess I lost a bunch of mobility in my ankle because my ankle does not allow me to put my foot all the way down as it should. It’s like so tight that it’s stuck and then it hurts. I was trying to force it so it would be normal but it’s like it was not ever happening. Freaking A dude. =(
I was thinking…wow, is this what it has come to? Am I never going to be able to play or run again? Really? Lost mobility in the ankle? That sucks. Jacked RIGHT knee which was not the original injury. That sucks. Jacked left knee. That sucks. Well everything is just breaking down. I feel like I’m super old or something. Maybe I need some joint juice…I saw some at Target.
Bleh, walking around made me feel sad. Emo. =\
Broken
My whole body is freaking broken. fml.
My left knee hasn’t healed. My right knee started to hurt for some reason in the past two weeks. Hurt quite a bit. It hurts at all times now. Especially when I bend it and when I touch it. I can actually identify the pain area pretty clearly though. I wonder if it’s because I over stretched the other week. I never stretch and I stretched a lot that day. Now my right knee which was FINE is popping when it bends. It didn’t used to do that, I know for sure. Now it just hurts on the inside. Both of my knees hurt when I sleep and shift positions. I always wake up several times in the middle of the night in pain.
I went to the PT today. He actually did different things. I suspect that he did that only because he had an intern there. He worked on my hip flexor, my lower back, and my hamstrings. All were super tight and it freaking hurt when he pressed/massaged those areas. Gave me one new exercise. Told me to call him in a week and tell him how I feel.
I’m getting tired of this. I’m also getting antsy and really discouraged.
Football starts in a week. I’m not really in any physical shape to be playing football. After all, isn’t the lack of stopping how I got myself in this predicament in the first place. I’ve decided I might not play but I have not fully committed to that yet. I’m going to see another doctor next week to see what he says. To see if he can do anything to make me better. After all, feeling pain all the time isn’t good. Playing is just going to aggravate it. Freaking A. This sucks. Thinking about not playing makes me sad. It actually kind of makes me want to cry although that could be because I’m PMSing. And I’m being really emo about it right now. But I LOVE playing football. I love this team. UGH.
We’ll see what this doc says…and then…I’ll decide. @#$%
I think my whole body must be misaligned. How can everything just break? Even my back and stuff started cracking when I get up out of my chair now. Something must be wrong.
=(
Freak. My other knee has started to hurt. WHY?! :(
I Miss Kaiser
I kinda miss Kaiser. That may be surprising to hear as I know some people strongly dislike Kaiser. But my recent experience with Sharp Rees-Stealy hasn’t been impressive or even good to say the least.
Perhaps when I switched insurances, I should have just gone out to some random doctors I could find, but I figured being within some type of “network” like Sharp would be beneficial. It would be similar to Kaiser and Kaiser wasn’t all too bad with the exception of 1 or 2 instances. So I picked Sharp to deal with my hypocrappo and I picked them for my injuries.
This week, my long awaited sports med appointment arrived. They told me to arrive 20 min before my appointment to get xrays done. My appointment was at 9 so I arrived at 8:30am. 30 minutes early. I waited and waited. They were backed up. I didn’t get called in until 9:30am. I saw the doctor and he was like, where are the xrays? I’m like, yeah, I thought I was getting them today. He’s like, I told the front desk to make sure to tell the patients to arrive early for the xrays. “This keeps happening.” Then I put the pieces together. Yes, their front desk had indeed been telling people to come early for xrays and yes people were even arriving early for that. What they neglected to tell the patients was that they needed to go SOMEWHERE ELSE to get the xrays done! Not in the same place. The whole time I had thought it was all together. They would call me in 20 minutes earlier to do my xrays, then I would see the doc. Apparently I had to go on my own over to radiology and do the xrays. That’s a very important piece of information they neglected to tell me. What the heck. The doc basically tells me he can’t really do much since he doesn’t have the xrays as a baseline. He still suspects runner’s knee and doesn’t think an MRI is necessary. He tells me I can go take the xrays now and wait to see him – though obviously he has appointments booked – that I can wait for someone to cancel. Sorry doc, I have to work, I don’t have all day to sit around. He told me I could schedule another appointment. I was like, it took me a month to get this appointment, is it going to take another month? He’s like, well thanksgiving is next week, then I’m on vacation the following week – so yeah.
SIGH. What a waste of my freaking time and money. After waiting a month for this appointment – I don’t get a whole lot out of it. I still have to go back. My appointment is in 3 weeks. Not as bad as I thought but still. I made another PT appointment so I’m back to that.
Got my xrays done today. Funny thing is I could have gotten them done at anytime in the past month but they neglected to tell me that.
Sharp, you suck.
The only redemption you had was from this morning when you saw me and took my xrays before you opened. That was greatly appreciated. I guess I just have to wait 3 weeks to see the doc again and get the results now.
I think I know how to heal myself anyway – the knee at least.
Self Preservation
Today I felt like throwing it all out the window. All this..resting business.
Work’s having this awesome obstacle challenge course being built in the parking lot in a couple of weeks and it’s free for employees and friends to participate. It looks like so much freaking fun and I want to participate so bad. So add that up to 3 events, 3 FUN events lined up in the coming weeks that I would normally be participating in but can’t because of my stupid injuries.
I’m so close to saying screw it and just participate because I probably could – it’ll just hurt. I guess that’s what I had done for about 3 months before it got so bad that I couldn’t anymore. But man, short term gratification seems so much more enticing than long term gratification sometimes.
The sports med people called and booked an appointment for me for xrays and a visit but the next one available isn’t even until more than a month out. That’s the middle of November, which is too close to January, which is too close for my comfort zone. AND the doc only put in a referral to have my right ankle checked and not my knee. HELLO?! I’m pretty sure nothing is wrong with the bones in my ankle, if there is a bone issue, it’s going to be the knee! The lady is like, yeah they won’t look at the knee since she just put ankle. UH, FAIL!!! So she said she would talk to the doc about the knee. Sheesh.
I need to try really hard to self preserve but I’m close to giving up. I almost wanted to cry. I know. Excessive and dramatic but I think injury or rather inability to do things you love doing makes you a little depressed, add on pmsing, and rainy weather and you got one messed up person. =P
Back to the Drawing Board
Been to PT 5 times now and it hasn’t been getting better but it should says the PT. He’s emailing my doc to get me a referral to a sports doc. Sigh. I don’t know what’s going on and how it got this way.
Some days it feels okay and some days not. Right this very moment, my knee hurts but my ankle feels fine (though my shin hurts).
The PT says they might need more diagnosis. He says they might need to put my ankle in a boot. Wtf. If my ankle is in a boot, how am I supposed to walk because my left knee is jacked. Well, wheelchair? Who wants to push me around? Ok, not funny.
Maybe they’ll take some MRIs for the knee. Dang this is crazy. Better get better by January, that’s all I’m saying.