I’ve got about 3 weeks before the new insurance kicks in which means probably another 5 weeks before I can see the doctor.  I have a strong feeling that I am really going to be out of commission once I see the doctor.

My right ankle that’s been bothering me the whole time.  I don’t think it’s my ankle.  I think it’s my achilles.  It’s swollen.  It hurts – all the time.  I’m scared.  It hurts A LOT after basketball.  It hurts after running.

I haven’t done any physical exercise that involves being on my feet for about two weeks.  It’s been over two weeks since I’ve gone running.  On Monday, it’ll be two weeks since I’ve played basketball.  In fact, I told them I couldn’t play on Monday – let it rest another week.  Now I’m thinking I might need to pull out.  I probably shouldn’t have played this season.

I’ve been icing my knee and achilles almost every day.  Sigh.  I’m so sad.

Now I keep thinking back to all the times I kept injuring my “ankle” and still kept running or playing on it.  I think it must have been back to that injury in the turkey bowls.

CRAP.  What if I can’t play on Team United.  SUCK.

This sucks.  A lot.  =(

Stop being stubborn, stupid.

I can’t remember the last time I did physical activity without feeling pain.  In fact, I long for the ability to run, play basketball, exercise, without feeling pain, just like it used to be.  Now, every step is painful.  But it’s SO HARD for me to just stop.  I need to stop.  I know I need to.  People have been telling me to.  I need to stop until it heals but I’m stubborn.  Most athletes are stubborn like that – they’d rather play through the pain than stop.  After all, it does go numb after awhile or you’re able to ignore it while you’re playing.  But this time, not only does it hurt, I can’t really run fast, move normally, and it really sucks.  Damn it.  =

I know I need to stop because I don’t know what’s wrong with it.  It could be something bad.  I don’t want to end up like M. who ended up having to wear a boot because he ran so much on his shin splints he ended up with a stress fracture.  I don’t want to never be able to run or play pain free again or even run or play.  I’ve given it sporadic week long rests, though I’m not sure how much it’s helped.  I think I have to go for at least 2 weeks and see how it feels.

Part of me doesn’t want to because I LIKE exercise, I CRAVE it.  Part of me doesn’t want to stop because I’ll regress – back to square 1.  Part of me doesn’t want to because I don’t want to gain back my weight.  Part of me doesn’t want to because exercise makes me feel energized and refreshed.  And for all these reasons, I don’t want to stop.  It’s SO HARD.

I think I might have to not run the half in September.  It’s too soon.  Lack of training + injury = more injury.  SIGH.  Plus, there are events that I wanted to do next year.  Disneyland Half, maybe triple crown, duathlon since I got a bike?  :(

I should go to the doctor.  However, I have a slight predicament.  I’ll be starting my new gig soon.  I do have temporary insurance with Kaiser but it only lasts for a month.  New insurance doesn’t kick in until September.  I also don’t want to be having to go to the doctor or missing work so soon after starting.  Looks bad.  UGH.

What to do?!?