My whole body is freaking broken.  fml.

My left knee hasn’t healed.  My right knee started to hurt for some reason in the past two weeks.  Hurt quite a bit.  It hurts at all times now.  Especially when I bend it and when I touch it.  I can actually identify the pain area pretty clearly though.  I wonder if it’s because I over stretched the other week.  I never stretch and I stretched  a lot that day.  Now my right knee which was FINE is popping when it bends.  It didn’t used to do that, I know for sure.  Now it just hurts on the inside.  Both of my knees hurt when I sleep and shift positions.  I always wake up several times in the middle of the night in pain.

I went to the PT today.  He actually did different things.  I suspect that he did that only because he had an intern there.  He worked on my hip flexor, my lower back, and my hamstrings.  All were super tight and it freaking hurt when he pressed/massaged those areas.  Gave me one new exercise.  Told me to call him in a week and tell him how I feel.

I’m getting tired of this.  I’m also getting antsy and really discouraged.

Football starts in a week.  I’m not really in any physical shape to be playing football.  After all, isn’t the lack of stopping how I got myself in this predicament in the first place.  I’ve decided I might not play but I have not fully committed to that yet.  I’m going to see another doctor next week to see what he says.  To see if he can do anything to make me better.  After all, feeling pain all the time isn’t good.  Playing is just going to aggravate it.  Freaking A.  This sucks.  Thinking about not playing makes me sad.  It actually kind of makes me want to cry although that could be because I’m PMSing.  And I’m being really emo about it right now.  But I LOVE playing football.  I love this team.  UGH.

We’ll see what this doc says…and then…I’ll decide.  @#$%

I think my whole body must be misaligned.  How can everything just break?  Even my back and stuff started cracking when I get up out of my chair now.  Something must be wrong.

=(

I’ve got about 3 weeks before the new insurance kicks in which means probably another 5 weeks before I can see the doctor.  I have a strong feeling that I am really going to be out of commission once I see the doctor.

My right ankle that’s been bothering me the whole time.  I don’t think it’s my ankle.  I think it’s my achilles.  It’s swollen.  It hurts – all the time.  I’m scared.  It hurts A LOT after basketball.  It hurts after running.

I haven’t done any physical exercise that involves being on my feet for about two weeks.  It’s been over two weeks since I’ve gone running.  On Monday, it’ll be two weeks since I’ve played basketball.  In fact, I told them I couldn’t play on Monday – let it rest another week.  Now I’m thinking I might need to pull out.  I probably shouldn’t have played this season.

I’ve been icing my knee and achilles almost every day.  Sigh.  I’m so sad.

Now I keep thinking back to all the times I kept injuring my “ankle” and still kept running or playing on it.  I think it must have been back to that injury in the turkey bowls.

CRAP.  What if I can’t play on Team United.  SUCK.

This sucks.  A lot.  =(

Stop being stubborn, stupid.

I can’t remember the last time I did physical activity without feeling pain.  In fact, I long for the ability to run, play basketball, exercise, without feeling pain, just like it used to be.  Now, every step is painful.  But it’s SO HARD for me to just stop.  I need to stop.  I know I need to.  People have been telling me to.  I need to stop until it heals but I’m stubborn.  Most athletes are stubborn like that – they’d rather play through the pain than stop.  After all, it does go numb after awhile or you’re able to ignore it while you’re playing.  But this time, not only does it hurt, I can’t really run fast, move normally, and it really sucks.  Damn it.  =

I know I need to stop because I don’t know what’s wrong with it.  It could be something bad.  I don’t want to end up like M. who ended up having to wear a boot because he ran so much on his shin splints he ended up with a stress fracture.  I don’t want to never be able to run or play pain free again or even run or play.  I’ve given it sporadic week long rests, though I’m not sure how much it’s helped.  I think I have to go for at least 2 weeks and see how it feels.

Part of me doesn’t want to because I LIKE exercise, I CRAVE it.  Part of me doesn’t want to stop because I’ll regress – back to square 1.  Part of me doesn’t want to because I don’t want to gain back my weight.  Part of me doesn’t want to because exercise makes me feel energized and refreshed.  And for all these reasons, I don’t want to stop.  It’s SO HARD.

I think I might have to not run the half in September.  It’s too soon.  Lack of training + injury = more injury.  SIGH.  Plus, there are events that I wanted to do next year.  Disneyland Half, maybe triple crown, duathlon since I got a bike?  :(

I should go to the doctor.  However, I have a slight predicament.  I’ll be starting my new gig soon.  I do have temporary insurance with Kaiser but it only lasts for a month.  New insurance doesn’t kick in until September.  I also don’t want to be having to go to the doctor or missing work so soon after starting.  Looks bad.  UGH.

What to do?!?