edit: ha, the formatting on this thing is jacked and I don’t know how to fix it.  I need to upgrade my wordpress but I’m afraid of losing everything. fail.

BEGIN POST:

I am so busy.  I feel like a lot of us have all of a sudden gotten very busy in the last year or so.  I don’t even know what we’re busy with, but we are.  I remember a time where I would usually be home at night most of the weeks, where there was time to cook, time to talk on the phone, time to play on the internet, time to respond to emails, time to pay bills, time to sleep, time to do laundry, time to learn to play the guitar, time to update websites, time to blog.  There once was such a time.  Now?  No more.

Now I am consumed by work and activities nearly every night.  All these activities, well, they’re good, it’s just a lot.  And, I’m a sucker for hanging out.  I’m a sucker for going out to dinner.  It’s hard to say no.  I think I’m getting burned out.  Actually, I am getting burned out.  I think I’ve been slowly getting burned out for the last year or so.  Yikes.

It’s not that activities are the only thing that take up time.  Thinking takes up time.  Thinking about work, thinking about life, thinking about thinking…  So, it must be that thinking paired up with activities makes me one highly stressed person.

Just the other day I was telling a friend that I feel like I’m a lot less sensitive than I used to be.  In fact, I think I’m more mean.  I’m more easily irritated and annoyed than before.  I don’t like that.

I need more time or less activities.  I think I’d like more time because with more time I might be able to still enjoy my activities while having time for myself.  Or what might happen is that extra time would get filled with more activities which would be NG.

Image Credit: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s been a whole month into the New Year and I finally have a moment to just sit here and do nothing and write. So much happened in 2010 I don’t even know where to begin. I think the theme of 2010 was SPEED and GROWTH. Growing in speed? Speedily Growing? I guess it doesn’t work that way. Haha. After looking at my outlook for 2010 from my 2009 post, I only achieved one goal which was getting a new car. Haha.

Somehow over the course of the year, I began to have less and less time to do anything. Life was definitely on speed. I became super busy all the time, nearly every day. Yet it still is difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what made me so busy. I think one of the things is work. It was the first year into my new job and the job definitely has me working longer hours, thinking a lot more, and stressing a lot too. I think stress contributes to the feeling of busyness. I’ve been attending conferences which I have to mingle with people. I have to manage people which is a whole challenge on it’s own.

Then there is all of Exodus. I had never attended a small group before. It all goes back to the fear I had of small groups and the talking and sharing. Before, the idea of small group instilled this fear in me – it seemed to be filled with so much pressure – sharing, praying, all the things I wasn’t a fan of doing – at least not with groups of people or people I didn’t really know. But I decided I’d check out Exodus and see what it was like. I’m always touting the Exodus core value of Freedom – you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Because of that, I was able to slowly warm up into things. I’m still working on it but it’s better. I really enjoy being around Exodus folks. It’s so fun and we’re so much like a family. Community is super important to me and Exodus has a great community. We hang out nearly every day and it’s super fun – I feel like we’re in college. Even as I continued to attend Exodus on Tuesday nights, I had for a long time never felt comfortable going to prayer and sharing nights. I purposely missed those nights. Then one day S. challenged me by telling me that “it wasn’t all about me, it was about everyone else.” That kind of hit me so I decided to go check it out. Uncomfortable, but I made it and have been going ever since. I’m still warming up to the idea of sharing because sometimes its still really hard and other times, I just don’t feel like it. But I’m beginning to see that it is nice to have a community of people you can just share all that’s going on (good or bad) and for people to pray for you. So, I’m appreciative of that.

I think I’ve also grown a lot spiritually in 2010. Through the various experiences, being in Exodus, being surrounded by people, I’ve really come to think about God, Jesus, and what it means to be a Christian. I’ve struggled with the idea that we live in a Christian bubble and it’s hard to bring people in. It’s hard to share about Christ, it’s hard to try to invite people to small group, it’s hard. It’s hard to even ask people what their background is. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I feel like it’ll be too much for people, it’s too foreign, it’s too intense. The last thing I would want is to scare off anyone. But it’s good to at least plant a seed and I think I was able to do it.

Football has been different this year too. I had to emerge as a “leader” and that is not something I had ever intended to be. I see myself as a follower, not a leader. But I guess God has really been prepping me through the past few years to eventually put me in this position. Who would have ever imagined that I’d be leading up the football team, leading people in prayer (oh my!), and everything else. I also know that I’m not the most motivational person out there so hopefully other people can motivate each other! Managing a football team is surprisingly a lot of work! And it’s hard when you’re trying to keep people happy. Football is stressful. Mission Bowl is a week away and I’m nervous as always. Yikes.

I bought a new car and I just moved too! Ok yeah that was random.

I joined an improve class – sort of. But I think the fact that I even considered and SHOWED up at an improve class says a lot. I was unable to get the nerve to go on stage but I did try the exercises. Anyone that knows me before would know that there is no way I would ever come near anything that involved standing up in front of anyone to say anything, much less act. So, I think it’s been good that I’ve been able to even be open to these ideas. Hey, God can do anything. ANYTHING.

I’ve made a lot of new friends in 2010 and got to learn a lot more about people and it’s been nice. I’ve also been able to stay connected with LA even though she’s in China. Good thing for this precious thing called the internet and SKYPEEEE. We were doing well talking on Skype about every 2 weeks or so.

I can’t think anymore. These things I’ve written about haven’t been too detailed. Oh well. I think the main theme really reflects on growth. I’ve turned from this super scared, super introverted person, to someone who is more outgoing, a little less fearful, and it’s been fun. A new me, if you will. Yet sometimes I still want to revert to my old self. I think I’ve been able to experience life differently which is nice.

Come to think of it, I think I nearly ate about every single meal in 2010. Almost. I’m never home and never have time to sit around anymore. Still need to work on having at least 1 night a week for myself where I can just stay at home and relax. But an invitation to go out and eat usually will pull me from my plans. So busy. Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, are usually completely booked. Something usually happens on one of those free nights during the week and then Saturdays usually come up with something too!!

As for the 2011 outlook, I think I’m optimistic and looking forward to it. Resolutions? Well, I never keep resolutions so I’m not going to make any. I’ll just put things I hope for this year. Hope to find someone. Lol. Hope to be successful at work. Hope to be less stressed. Continue to have fun, make new friends, strengthen current relationships, and find time to rest.

Cheers to 2011.

Gah, I still haven’t had time for my 2010 year in review post.  We’re nearly a month into 2011 already!  Geez.

So busy, so distracted, so much to do.

Seeking calmness.

Hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Time for new beginnings.

Here we go.

It’s almost time for that big new years post or rather end of the year post but I guess I kind of want to write about Christmas this year.  This year I really wished I had a lot of time off.  Normally, I don’t really care, but I think I’ve just been pretty burned out with everything I’ve been doing that I just wanted some time off.  I just want to do nothing, sleep in, hang out with friends and family, and just relax and not think about work, football, ultimate, anything.  But nope.

A few days ago I came down with what I can guess is the flu.  I haven’t felt so miserable in awhile.  It really is miserable.  It’s even more miserable when there’s no one taking care of you.  Feeling so helpless and so sick and really all you can do is lie there and feel horrible – it’s really sad.  One of the things I always think of when I feel sick or feel pain or see others sick or feel pain is that no one can feel that pain but you.  No one really knows how you feel – no one suffers with you.  And really there is no one that can help you.  I was thinking about C’s message from the other week about what we can bring to Jesus for His birthday.  And in all my sickness, all I could think of, here I am, here’s all I got, it’s not much, but its all for You.  And as I was lying in bed all weak, I was thinking, wow, only God knows my pain, and only He can help me right now.  For when I am weak, You are strong.

I was supposed to drive home on Friday morning and woke up feeling horrible.  I was in no shape to drive and as I laid there on the couch I just started crying because I was so sad.  I was thinking, wow, I don’t even know if I’m going to make it home for Christmas, how sad is that.  I was trying to think if anyone from LA could drive down and pick me up – but that’s so much to ask of someone.  Everyone else I could think of that might be going to LA, would have gone already.  So S convinced me to just sleep some more and see how I feel.  P offered to drive me up which was so nice of him, but at that point I had decided to just go for it.  I am very thankful for the Exodus family I have, everyone was so thoughtful in asking if I needed anything and was willing to bring me something over.  M. brought me some soup, water, and fruit, all the things I asked for the night before.  Thank you.  :)  I am so blessed to have the people at Exodus.  Where else can you find such great, caring people.

This Christmas was especially hard getting gifts for people.  In fact I didn’t even get anything for anyone, except my family, and LA.  Even then it was so hard.  I actually don’t like the whole gift giving thing – it feels too forced.  We have it all – and if we don’t have it, we sure as heck can buy it.  The gift giving slowed down a lot this year which was good – partially because no one had time to do anything!  Which I think turned out to be sort of good.  No one in my family even wrapped any gifts!  And it was great! :)  At least I thought so.  It showed that it wasn’t all crazy about that.  I just want to remember Jesus during Christmas and reflect on the gift He has given us already.  If only my whole fam would realize that.  That would be a great gift.

So, while I will be coming back with a few new items, I’m glad things weren’t crazy this year.  Just spend some time at home with the fam – being  sick and all but still being joyful.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  There really is no Christmas without You.  Thank you for sending Your Son on Earth to experience life as we do and to show us Your TRUE LOVE.  Thank you.