02.01.07
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Weak

I have had comments from people that I look skinnier. I guess I can’t be too surprised because I did lose a large amount of weight from being sick. That’s not a very good way to do it. I am feeling better but still in no shape to play basketball. I played again tonight, it was better that last week but very far from when I feel normal. My muscles were so weak, it was like I couldn’t feel them when I tried to shoot the ball or run fast. I would try really hard to run fast or shoot harder but it wasn’t like that at all. Hopefully I get better soon.

Is there a boundary between work and personal life? If so, where is it at?

01.27.07
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Still Sick

I went to the doctor. There was no diagnosis. But they did take 4 tubes of blood from me! They’re testing me for all kinds of things. I’ll know the results on Monday. They said if anything was crazy they would call me over the weekend. I hope I don’t get a call over the weekend.

When they were measuring my blood pressure, the machine kept stopping and beeping. The nurse asked if I was alright. She told me to relax and breathe in with my nose and out with my mouth. I did. The machine stopped again. She told me to sit back and once again breathe in with my nose and out with my mouth. Machine stopped again. She had me stand up and same thing. She asked if I had trouble breathing. She asked if I had shortness of breathe. I told her no. She said there wasn’t enough oxygen. Finally it recorded my blood pressure. It also took my pulse. I didn’t know what my pulse was until I looked at the paper. I thought it was weird that the nurse asked if my heart was beating fast. My pulse was a very high 119. That’s kinda disturbing.

One thing I didn’t mention to the nurse was that I get nervous. Whenever my blood pressure is being measured, I am very aware of my breathing and often times, I just hold my breath.

So I’ve been very fatigued and weak lately. I have shaky hands. Loss of (a lot) weight. Loss of appetite. Headache. Nausea sometimes. Just feeling very messed up. I hope they figure out what the problem is soon and fix me. I hope its nothing serious.

My head actually isn’t feeling very good right now so I should head to bed.

01.23.07
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Unwanted Thoughts

When you have to go on a long drive by yourself, there isn’t much to do. You can either listen to music or listen to your thoughts. Sometimes when there isn’t much else to do, you end up thinking. You end up thinking thoughts you shouldn’t and you end up thinking thoughts you don’t want.

01.21.07
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Sick

For some reason I can’t stay up late anymore. Whenever I stay up until 2 or 3am on the weekends, the next morning I end up feeling pretty nasty. My head will hurt really badly and I’ll be exhausted. Today was especially bad. Last night I stayed up until 3:30am which is much later than I’ve stayed up in awhile. I slept until about 1:30p and my head was pounding. I just wanted to keep sleeping. But my head would hurt. I was so exhausted I could not get up. I wanted to shower but my roommate was in the bathroom so I just laid there some more and kept falling in and out of sleep. Finally I went to take a shower but I was going to fall asleep in there. Then I came out but still felt pretty nasty. So I just laid on the bed to rest for a bit and fell asleep some more. Finally I made myself get up and get something to eat. Then I felt like puking. I almost did. I felt so nasty the whole day and just kept falling asleep. I can’t be staying up late anymore. I’m getting old.

01.18.07
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Bloody Noses

As a kid I got bloody noses alot, well even when I wasn’t a kid I got them. They usually happened at night while I was sleeping. I haven’t had a bloody nose in awhile. But last night, I was woken up by the feeling of some warm liquid coming out of my nose and all over my face. I quickly got up and grabbed a tissue hoping to stop it, like I normally did. But this was no ordinary bloody nose, this was like a bloody faucet. It soaked right through the tissue as I ran to the bathroom. I pretty much stood over the sink and just let it drip. Or more realistically run. I was pinching my nose but it wasn’t stopping. I was actually getting a little worried that it wouldn’t stop. Sorry for the details. Finally it decided to slow down. I stuck a tissue up my nose and tried to clean up a little bit since having a running bloody nose kinda creates a mess. As I was cleaning up, the clot broke and once again it started running like crazy. Finally it sort of stopped. So I put a tissue up my nose and propped up my pillows and tried to fall back asleep. I didn’t really fall asleep since I was worried I would get blood everywhere. I don’t know what caused the bloody nose. Maybe I need a humidifier because of all the dry air. I don’t know what I need. I just hope it doesn’t happen again, its such an unpleasant experience.

01.17.07
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Beautiful Sky

The window faces my back at work but I still like glancing over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of the sunset through the trees. Across the street, there’s a building that shows the reflection of the sky. I can’t help but take a glance as I pass by. Last week as I was leaving for work, I could see that the sunset was awesome through the trees. I was tempted to drive toward the sunset just so I could watch it. But I didn’t. There’s a spot on the 15 around the miramar base where there are no trees or mountains in the way. Right around 5:00 when the sun sets, you get this amazing view of the sky. You can see all the colorful swirls in the sky. It’s awesome. I miss living by the beach. I miss being able to go watch the sunset and taking photos. I miss going there just to think. And mostly, I miss the view because I think its beautiful. Something about the sky, the clouds, and the sunset just captures me.

La Jolla Shores – Summer 2004

01.15.07
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Thoughts…

I have a scratch on my face. I’m not sure how it got there. It wasn’t there last night. I noticed it this morning while I was washing my face because something was stinging. I was thinking maybe I scratched my face because my face wash has little beads and maybe my face was really dry so it scratched it. It seems unlikely. Whenever I suggest that to someone, they say it couldn’t have been. I guess the beads would have to be pretty sharp to scratch my face. It’s pretty visible too. So who knows. I hope it goes away soon.

I’m working on my website. It’s going moving along very very slowly. Its frustrating to use such an old computer. I think this computer is about 9 years old. I’ve had it at least since Freshman year in high school. I hope to get a new one soon. I’m waiting for Windows Vista to come out. It’s supposed to come out at the end of the month. I kind of want to wait a little for it to bug out and be fixed. Then again, I could spend forever waiting and bugs will still come and go. But once I get a new computer everything will be so much better. I can view pictures without having to open a program that takes forever to load. I can copy/paste files much more easily. I can actually load applications on my computer at speeds faster than a snail. Until then, I’ll crawl on bye.

The Yellow Forest has been updated. I know it doesn’t look pretty but its a start. I was just messing around. And I usually update in waves and only when I can use someone elses computer. Enjoy the blog in the meantime.

01.13.07
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Speak

I don’t like meetings. I hardly ever say anything in meetings unless necessary (when someone is speaking directly to me). I know its odd. But its just very difficult for me to do. I don’t communicate well verbally. During meetings, sometimes things go on in my head. I’m thinking of the words I would say and they just circle around in my head. But I can’t get them out. People don’t seem to understand what the problem is or why it is so difficult. They tell me to just do it. Just blurt it out. I can’t. It happens not only in meetings but in many other situations. I’ll want to say something and I’m saying it in my head but I can’t say it out loud. I know it looks pretty bad in meetings. Honestly, if I was in a meeting and I saw someone never say anything, I would think that’s odd too. And I know it doesn’t look too good that I never contribute. It’s difficult and I have to force myself a lot of times even to just answer questions directed towards me. But I know I have to work on it. Its harder than you think.